short stories because my ADHD doesn't allow me to write a full book

"I'm here for you.""Why would I need you?"

prompt from Tumblr @ humdrummoloch 

+ this will kind of being a continuation of the last story 

-

I couldn't get him out of my head. it had been so long. he looked older, more tired, the fire in his eyes from our last meeting has slightly burned out. still, as I stood in front of him in my newly found confidence, I still felt like the little girl that fell for the older boy. 

still, when I closed my eyes, he was there. 

it was 1 a.m. and I couldn't continue my study session with this on my mind. I packed my things and left the library. as I walk out the crisp, winter air hits my face. it was autumn the last time we talked; when I bumped into him. I have seen him around, his face blurry, but pronounced. on the other side of the cafeteria or behind a corner at the library; he hasn't noticed yet. 

I board an empty bus going into the city. okay, where can I find this? 

I nervously tap my foot and looking around at the ads under the yellow, manufactured bus lighting. I get out at the city stop and breathe in. okay, where is a map? map? yes. 

four blocks down. 

I walk, grabbing at my back pack straps nervously. don't get me wrong, I grew up in a dangerous, inner-city neighborhood. but something about walking alone still got to me. 

I made it down to my destination. the only place open at 1 in the morning, a taco stand. 

I get up to the window and order way too much tacos for one person. I didn't plan on eating them by myself, I actually have no idea why I bought so many, I'm so stupid. 

I got them and walked back to my bus stop. the heat felt good radiating down my leg as I carried them. they smelled like home. 

I sit in on the bus bench thinking, "am I really doing this?" 

I thought this the duration of the bus ride and the duration of my walk. down the street. to the stop sign. up to the upper classmen student apartments. up the stairs and down the hall. I stopped at the door, breathing heavily from all the walking.

breathing heavily because I was having a panic attack in front of this apartment, his apartment.  

I knock on the door. 

"hello?" a boy a couple of years older open the door. 

"um, hey, I think I have the wrong apartment" I turn and start walking. 

"wait! um, miss! are you sure?" 

I stop and clench my gloved hands, I breathe out, tears brimming my eyes, and a pink color rushing to my cheeks. 

"I dont know, honestly." 

"are you looking for my roommate?" 

"yes, actually." I say walking back slowly and awkwardly. 

he looks down at me and gives me a kind smile, "I'll go get him." 

He closes the door and goes inside. I awkwardly stand outside, holding my heavy bag of oily, delicious food, looking down at my boots. 

he comes out cautiously, looking around before turning his head to me. 

he was wearing sweats, a beanie, our college sweater, and his glasses. he was shivering slightly, stuffing his hands into his pockets and breathe out a dragon breathe, due to the cold weather. 

I know because this image will forever be engraved into the chasm of my memories. 

"hey", he walks closer to me. 

"I-I dont know what im doing here" I say looking out, frustrated, "I went to go get tacos and I took the bus and I walked her and I dont know why because its like 1 in the morning. I-I" 

"hey, its okay. um, I like tacos" he says, giving me a small smile. 

I give him the bag and he opens it, smiling wide. "how? where did you find these? i haven't been able to find a taco place anywhere here that isn't Taco Bell" 

I laugh, tears welling in my eyes again, "yeah I found them off of this bus stop next to the coffee place, outside campus." 

He plus some out of the tin foil covering and bites into it excitedly.

"wow, amazing. but, seriously" he swallows, "why are you here? I mean..." he chuckles, "I thought you hated me" 

I put my elbows on the railing of the stairwell, balcony. "I dont hate you. I just, I dont know what I feel towards you. I mean, like, you have a life here and I do too, but it feels wrong to be here and...not...speak to you." 

He stops and looks at me closer. the silence elongating between us, but not damping the moment with awkwardness. 

"I hated you for a long time. and then I loved you and then I hated you for making me feel this way. I thought about you for a long time and when I was down in a ditch my junior and senior year, I hated you for not being there, the way I was there for you." a tear slips amongst the monologue I was delivering him. I quickly wipe it away. 

"yeah" he puts his food down. "my girlfriend..." 

I sniffle and wipe my tears away, "yeah, yeah, I know, actually, I should probably go.."

"wait! listen, you never wanted to." I stop and turn to look at him. "she, she's amazing, I love her," ouch. "but it took us so long to get, what we had. she knows how to help me, but never the way you did. I mean, c'mon you literally held me as I had a panic attack and was watching at a wall. that...that has never happened between me and her." he looks down, almost ashamed to have said that. 

"I dont know what I am doing. I dont know how to treat you or feel about you. Like are we friends? do I treat you like I always have? I mean it hurts. It hurt. the way you just disappeared after a while. I honestly dont even know how we got here. but I needed you, more than you ever could know." 

now it was his turn to look ashamed as he picked at his now cold taco. 

"I needed you." I say, half-heartedly, reaching into the bag, not feeling hungry anymore. 

"but, look, I'm here for you."

I look down, biting my lip, holding back the hot tears that were once again welling up in my eyes. 

"why would I need you? I built myself up, I am my own crutch, but somehow it feels like a screw is missing. its like a machine. it can run properly, but theres this one missing screw that is just waiting to have its impact and break the entire machine down." I open the foil package in my hand. "I dont need you anymore, but somehow I am standing in front of you right now looking foolishly and like an utter idiot. you know what this was a bad idea, keep the food." 

I get my backpack and place my re-wrap my tacos. I turn to walk down the stairwell, feeling his brown eyes aiming at me like a target. as I reach the last apartment I hear him. "im sorry. I really am." he voice cracks towards the end. 

I grab the railing going down the stairs. I turn to look at him, now flushed and looking at me, like I knew it was directly into my eyes. 

"I know." 

I turn back and walk down the steps. down the street. down to the stop sign. and finally down the path to main campus.