Short Stories

A Pain Unforeseen Part 3

Kieran couldn't sleep. No matter how a hard he tried to his brain wouldn't shut off. Emma slept peacefully beside him; letting off secret snores which  only he would keep. He slowed pushed himself from the bed with careful movements to not wake her. Discarding his work clothes for a comfortable pair of tracksuit bottoms and a fitted T-shirt, he opened his wardrobe door and pulled out a  large folder from underneath a stack of folded jumpers he had 'meant' to put away.

 The house was cold as he walked down the shadow swamped stairs into the open kitchen on the right  that over looked their large living and dining room on the left. The rectangular door loomed ominously in the centre of the rooms' arrangement from shadows cast by a silver moon that peeked its head from behind the thin curtains, shooting its silver tongued light like arrows cutting narrow slits in the dark. The house felt like it was closing in on him, the darkness waiting for the right moment to slice him into pieces.  Goosebumps erupted on his skin. He didn't care.

Sitting down as quietly as possible at the kitchen table he opened the folder. The first page to taunt his eyes were the names he had written down for his now never-to-be-born child. Names ranging far and wide for both girls and boys, highlighted in green were names he particularly loved.His favourite was Hope, Hope Louise James. He had hoped to one day show Emma his ideas when they were nearing the end of her nine months. Turning over the page he found himself looking at pictures cut from magazines of baby cots (cribs) in varying sizes and colours and patterns. He kept turning through those various cots one by one taking all that he could of them; as if he were memorising them. Soon, he turned to a page that showed him searching for possible ideas of a nursery. Tears stung his eyes yet again and this time he let them fall onto his hands and the pages without a fight. He still wanted this. He still wanted the nursery and the cot and the endless names. He still wanted it all.

 Kieran could feel denial curl its thorn-like fingers around his head, squeezing it so tightly he felt like it might explode. He knew his baby was gone but he didn't really know it in his heart. The tears turned to quiet sobs that jerked his shoulders in rapid movement. Denial stood menacingly behind him, it was a figure of an impossible long stature, horrifyingly thin and blank of features familiar to Kieran. To him it was no more than a shadow cast adrift in his mind. His chest ached with the  longing that maybe they hadn't lost the child they so deeply desired, the false hope that the doctor got it wrong clung to his heart tugging it further down his chest. He knew he wanted to try again with Emma when they had both healed and he intended to help her with everything he had, but fear soon entangled its grip on his heart and head too. "Would Emma even want to try again?" He thought to himself. His wife had been through so much pain in her life he feared this would bring her walls up again, he feared her pain would force her to refuse to take a risk like this again for she would be petrified of this happening again. Thoughts he could not control overwhelmed his mind. He finally felt the desire to sleep take over it. 

He turned to the last page of his folder and looked at it lovingly; it was the little letter in a Christmas card  Emma had written when she found out she was pregnant, the words "I can't wait to meet you Daddy" sung out to him. He smiled at the memory, the excited squeal Emma let slip as he unwrapped the little box, the way his jaw dropped and the whole world stopped at the sight of those two tiny pink lines (how insignificant it all seemed now) and how he had spun his wife around the living room after reading the letter before laughing together in joy. He closed the folder with one hand and rested his head upon the purple cover. He fell asleep there and then, clutching it close to him, like he was holding his child for the last time.

Emma awoke alone in the bed. Kieran's side discarded and the only sound came from the birds muffled chirping outside. Her cheeks were stiff with stained tears and the coldness of the empty space beside her sent an unfamiliar thought through her mind. "Had he left during the night?"  her thoughts quickly clouded and focused around the idea that he had abandoned her, she knew it was mindless fear but still, it shocked her how quickly she mistrusted the love of her life when fear gripped her mind.  She quickly got out of bed and discarded yesterdays clothes in the washing basket. She changed into a loose T-shirt  that hung from her and black leggings, hiding as much of her body as she could. She had no desire to look at her stomach lying swollen, knowing it wouldn't get bigger. 

Emma  tiptoed down the sleek wooden stars. Gentle golden sunlight spread even and warm across the large, open ground floor filling up every corner with its bright heat. It spotlighted the kitchen table and came to rest sensitively on the dark mess of hair covering her husbands sleeping face. Emma felt herself glow with happiness at the sight of her husband there but, curiosity found its way to her; she wondered stealthy over to him. She ran her fingers through his fringe lovingly parting it from his face when she noticed a deep purple  folder, tucked under his toned arm. As carefully as she could she pulled the folder from under him and sat slowly down beside Kieran, as not to wake him. 

As soon as she saw the many names listed, she knew exactly what she had stumbled upon. Her hand caressed the names Kieran had chosen and hovered over the highlighted few."Were these his favourites?" She wondered. Her spindle-like fingers came to rest above a name written in bold and  that had been highlighted many times, Hope Louise James. She immediately fell in love with it.   She made her way page by page through the folder, smiling at some pages and obviously frowning at others, she questioned the colour palette for many of the nursery ideas, until, she eventually found herself staring down at the little letter she had written to him the Christmas she found out she was pregnant.

The memories raced to her, she remembered all the excitement that rushed through her as she wrote that letter and how that excitement mixed with nerves as she watched Kieran unwrap her box, as she watched his face change from utter shock and processing what was happening ( with an open jaw)  to the utter joy that lit up the entire room. She felt herself sigh deeply, somehow coming to terms in that moment of what she had lost but, the pain that clutched her heart refused to subside. 

She closed the folder and looked up, expecting to see her husbands sleeping face; instead she was met with his piercing eyes staring blankly at her. Her breath hitched and guilt rushed up her knowing she had just snooped through something private to him. She noticed the same pain in his eyes that were in hers. Two hearts torn and excess love that would go unrequited.  Kieran smiled weakly and held her hand in his; an untold promise travelled through the two.

No matter what happened, they will be together as a team.