Harry or I didn't say much of anything as we got ready to leave. A quick good morning and that was about it. On the bus neither of us said anything to anyone.
I hate feeling like this, especially after last night. Nothing has ever felt like that before and I know that it was love.
Then for not even a few minutes later it all to be ruined because I can't understand my thoughts or feelings.
I didn't want to make him upset I just didn't know how to explain to him how I was feeling. I want to but to be honest I don't even know how I am feeling. I want things to work between us, I really do. I love Harry. A lot.
But I also have very little hope for things to work after I'd go back to college. It's like a stab to the heart, it kills me to think that way but it's just the truth. Harry and I would be living two different lives and rarely get to see each other.
I guess I just want to enjoy the rest of the happy times we do have together and not bring all this up will ruin that.
I stared at my phone while Harry wrote in his journal laying on the hotel bed. We were both trying to ignore the awkward silence between us. Both acting like we were busy doing something and the thoughts in our mind aren't eating us alive.
I can tell Harry wants to say something by the way he is fidgeting with the pen in between writing. He keeps glancing over to me trying to find the right words to say.
I decided it was best I just went to sleep. My heart ached barely talking to Harry today even though he wasn't even a foot away. I missed how things were before everything got so complicated and real.
"Ro." I heard him say, I ignored his words and pretended I was already asleep.
"I know your not asleep." He said rubbing my back, getting my attention. I slowly sat up, looking over at him with sad eyes. The look in his eyes kills me.
"Please talk to me." Harry sighed begging me to give him anything, I wish I could I just don't know what to say. I looked at him and then at my hands.
"You won't understand." I quietly responded.
"That doesn't matter. Somethings obviously wrong, baby. That's what I'm here for. I care about you." He said calmly reaching for my hands.
"I'm scared Harry." I blurted out.
"What are you scared of Ro?" Still with the same calmness in his voice.
"You know classes start soon. I'm going to have to go back home." I let out another sigh.
"I do." He said sadly resting his hand on mine and rubbed it with his thumb.
"What's going to happen? Harry this can't work. You'll be all over the world and have so many other things to worry about then me. And we will never get to see each other. And-" I began to ramble.
"Baby come here." He pulled me into a hug trying to calm me down. "I know it's scary but we will figure it out, I promise. And don't ever think I'll have anything more to care about than you."
"Everything will be so different. We will hardly even get to see each other." I mumbled into his chest.
"I know but I love you. We will make it work. Okay?" He smiled at me kissing my forehead.
I sit up on the bed with my legs crossed. I take a deep breath as I am going to try my best to ramble everything out that has been eating away at my mind. He has so much hope in his eyes, I know mine are full of fear.
"I want more than anything to agree with you but I know my life and I know yours." How can he be so hopeful? I feel like everything around us is falling apart. "Your life is so crazy and busy how will we ever have time to even see each other. Long distance doesn't work, Harry. You will be across the country or actually the world most of the time. We've spent every moment together since we met. How can we go from that to hardly seeing each other or even having time to talk?"
"It is going to be hard as hell, but we can fight through it." He tries to reason with me.
"I don't want to waste your time, you should be able to be happy and live your dream and not be fighting for a relationship that's miles and miles away. I don't want to hold you back from that. You deserve so much more than that."
"Rowan." His hand rests on my leg. "You make me the happiest man alive, please don't say those things."
"I love you so much it hurts me." I say as tears fill my eyes. "I can't do this." I stand up from the bed as tears burst from my eyes walking out on to the balcony. I sit down on a chair and bury my face in my hands filling them with tears.
It's like my heart is telling me one thing but my mind is telling me another. The emotions are exploding out of me, I feel dizzy like the world around me is shattering.
My heart is saying fight for him, love him, never let him go.
My mind is saying there is no way it will work, run.
Harry comes out and captures me in his arms holding me as tight as he can like he is trying to take all the pain away. He holds me tight and doesn't let go letting me sob into his chest.
"I can't do this." I say again in between breaths and he squeezes me tighter.
After my tears die down he says "Baby, I'm so sorry you feel like this. If I could take all your anxieties and worries away I would."
His hand rubs up and down my back trying anything he can to comfort me. "You have every right to feel the way you do." He kisses my forehead. "I am so proud of you for opening up, thank you. Thank you for explaining it to me. Let's go to bed and we can talk in the morning."
How does he always know exactly what to do and say?
