Baby Can I Upgrade You?

22. Apologies

Jaden

Fuck! My palms are sweating disgustingly, and I feel cold sweat beads roll down the crevice of my back as I stand just outside Imani's hospital room. The hand holding the flowers I bought her won't stop shaking, and I feel like I'm going to hurl at any second. I've never been so scared in my life! The woman I love is just meters in front of me, and the guilt of the pain I've caused her won't let me take a step closer. She is as breathtakingly beautiful as I remember, but there is a certain pallor about her skin that tells of her ill health. Fuck! Why didn't I just answer when she called?!

I really want to punch something, but I know this anger and frustration is all just directed at myself. There's nothing I can do about the past, but I can damn sure make the future better. I take a deep breath to steel my nerves, and I step inside Imani's hospital room.

"Hello, Imani," I speak cautiously, announcing my presence.

She looks up at me, and her eyes widen impossibly when she recognizes me. She rubs her eyes as though clearing sleep from her tired brown eyes. You're not dreaming, baby. Her mouth opens and closes not finding the words, and I'm at a loss for words too. Pregnancy has made Imani more gorgeous. Her face is fuller making her look younger, and her big belly makes me want to wrap her and my child in my arms, keeping them safe forever.

"You're not really here. This is a bad dream. I'm going to wake up. I'm going to wake up," Imani speaks to herself, furiously rubbing her eyes.

I rush forward and grab her frantic hands and pull them away from her face. "You're not dreaming. I'm really here. I'm back, baby. I'm so sorry I left," I apologize earnestly.

"No! No! No! This can't be. You left! Why didn't you stay gone?" She roughly pulls her hands out of my grasp and wraps her arms protectively around her pregnant belly.

"I'm sorry, Imani. I should have never left. I thought I was doing what was best for you. Baby, please forgive me. I want to be here for you and the baby." I search here face for any signs of forgiveness. Her eyes still carry disbelief, but mainly pain and fear. My heart sinks at the knowledge that I'm the cause of her distress.

"No, you don't get to come back because of your guilty conscience now that you know I'm pregnant. No, you didn't want me. You abandoned me! Abandoned us! Just go away, Jaden!" Her voice cracks as tears start to steadily flow down her round cheeks.

"Imani, please. I made a mistake. Please, just let me explain—" I try to plead my case, but she quickly cuts me off.

"NO! I don't want to hear your lies! LEAVE US ALONE! WE DON'T NEED YOU!" Imani shouts hysterically, and my heart shatters into a million pieces as her sobs echo through the room. I never thought I would inspire such a reaction from this beautiful and strong woman, and I am totally ashamed and disgusted with myself.

"Excuse me, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. She is in a fragile state, and you're upsetting her," a green-eyed, brunette nurse speaks sternly as she comes to Imani's side. "Imani, honey, you need to relax. Remember, stress is not good for you or the baby." She rubs her shoulder soothingly, and Imani takes deep steadying breaths. "Sir?" The nurse gives me a pointed look. 

"Okay. I'm going…but I’ll be back." I grudgingly step away from Imani, leaving the flowers on her side table and walk to the door. I really don't want to leave with how things are, but Marcel told me all about her condition, and I won't put Imani and our child in danger, even if that means I must keep my distance. I take one last look at the mother of my child before turning and walking away. I may be leaving again, but not for long. I will win my family back!

I make it back to my car before the tears start to flow, and I wipe at them angrily. I can't believe I've made such a mess of things. My decision was supposed to set Imani free to find a better man, not destroy her. I'm such a fucking idiot! I forcefully turn the key in the ignition, and the engine roars to life and the radio starts to blast “Apologize” by OneRepublic featuring Timbaland, a song I really don't need to hear right now.

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Imani

"Hello, Imani."

This isn't happening! This isn't happening! This isn't happening! I keep chanting in my head as I hear the one voice I've longed to hear for the longest time and dread chills my blood. I look up at the man who has single handedly ruined my life and given me the greatest gift too. My eyes widen as I take in his beauty. It feels like seeing him for the first time again. This can't be real... I rub my eyes, hoping to dispel the illusion before me. He's not really here. My mouth opens and closes because I think I'm losing my mind, and I don't want to speak, thus breaking the spell that has brought him here. 

"You're not really here. This is a bad dream. I'm going to wake up. I'm going to wake up." I rub the heels of my palms against my closed eyes.

I don't realize I've spoken out loud until I feel big hands pulling my shaky hands away from my face. "You're not dreaming. I'm really here. I'm back, baby. I'm so sorry I left." He speaks again, and the feel of his hands on mine lets me know that this is real, and my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach.

"No! No! No! This can't be. You left! Why didn't you stay gone?" I angrily pull my hands out of his grasp and protectively wrap my arms around my round belly. Why is he here? How did he find us? Hasn't he hurt me enough? We don't need him!

"I'm sorry, Imani. I should have never left. I thought I was doing what was best for you. Baby, please forgive me. I want to be here for you, and the baby." He looks and sounds genuinely sorry, but the past has taught me that I can't trust this man. How did he think abandoning me was best for me? He didn't love me back clearly! No, my son and I don't need this. He can go back to wherever he came from!

"No, you don't get to come back because of your guilty conscience now that you know I'm pregnant. No, you didn't want me. You abandoned me! Abandoned us! Just go away, Jaden!" I speak angrily and my voice cracks with emotion as tears start to steadily flow down my face. The pain he has caused makes my heart to pang painfully.

"Imani, please. I made a mistake. Please, just let me explain—" 

I don't want to hear more of his lies, so I cut him off. "NO! I don't want to hear your lies! LEAVE US ALONE! WE DON'T NEED YOU!" I shout hysterically, and I can't stop the sobs that start to wrack my exhausted body.  I really wish he would leave. Just having him near and smelling him has memories flooding back. I feel his rejection again, and it just about knocks me over with its weight.

"Excuse me, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. She is in a fragile state and you're upsetting her." I am grateful for Nurse Jacqui's intervention, and I close my eyes as I relax against the pillows behind me. "Imani, honey, you need to relax. Remember, stress is not good for you or the baby." She rubs my shoulder soothingly. I take deep, steadying breaths, doing my best to calm down for my baby.

I block out what is happening around me, and I recede into the back of my unconscious mind where I'm safe from the pain of the past and present. I only find one question in the depths of my unconsciousness.

Why?