Rants I Found in My Phone

i don't know how to deal with the shit going on in my life

i don't know how to deal with the shit going on in my life.

like, i just wake up everyday, do the same thing, go home and not want to do anything or hang out with anyone because i feel so shit a lot and i don't really talk about it.

getting help seems like something i don't really need.

i don't wanna go to the wellness center again, i feel like that distracted me from schoolwork since id he pulled out of classes for it but i don't know how else to get help.

i know there's like peer helping and all but talking to a few peer counselors seems pointless, like it'd do nothing for me.

maybe it'd help a little, like for that day

but i'd probably go home and my mom won't be there but my brother will

and that's not good for my brain.

and whenever she's gone i worry even more now.

before i knew she'd be at *her friends* and i wouldn't worry too much

but since i found cocaine in her closet and she told us that she tried to kill herself

i've been anxious and sad and paranoid

because *her friend* was one of the reasons she wanted to die and he introduced her to all the drugs she had done.

yet i feel like now i have to be okay with it if she's over there

because apparently he is helping her find a good cheap therapist and shit

and if she doesn't get that type of help i don't know what's gonna happen.

my life just kinda seems pointless right now and my relationships are falling apart

and i feel sick everyday

but i never like talking about any of it because i feel like all i do is complain

since that's what my mom told me

when i barely talk to her about anything.

and i'm not sure if she actually has the worst memory ever or if she still thinks i'm getting help at school

or if she just doesn't care, i don't know

but when she told me and my brother that she tried to kill herself, i told her i had suicidal thoughts as well

and she apologized for not being there for me, gave an excuse, and moved on.

she didn't even bring it up again, so like thanks for feeding into my thoughts of you not caring about me. ✌🏻

she has even said and acknowledged that she cooked more for *her friend* and his daughter than for us here.

and that she spends more time there than here.

she even said she forgets if she does laundry because she does his laundry and i do our laundry.

like what the fuck? come on, you know this is happening, fucking do something about it instead of

"can you walk home from work i'm at *her friend's*" (we only have 1 car)

like what the actual fuck why are you even over there right now?

to lose more money to him? to fuck him more? to do more drugs with him?

seriously? you know he's a bad influence, he knows you're a bad influence, y'all have helped but ruined each other more, why spend all this time together?

just fucking come home, pack shit up

we still have to move and you've done nothing.

in fact, why not find a fucking place, find a job, pick up a hobby, clean the house,

do something that doesn't involve *her friend*, sleeping, Netflix, or thinking too much

i don't know, maybe like spend time with your kids?

your son was gone for like 9 months

and you barely see your daughter because you're never home

and when you are home you lie in bed, watch Netflix, and fall asleep at 7pm without eating an actual meal or having an actual conversation with the people you live with.