Tutoring the Bad Boy [REWRITTEN]

07. donuts and snow angels

TODAY WAS THE day of the blind date, though I wasn't really up for it. My head was pounding as I recalled what had happened at the party. Most of it was a big blur, but the memories of me getting drunk and kissing a random boy seemed clearer than day. What was his name again?

Right, and the fact that Archer saw the kiss.

Everything after that was vague, and I was surprised that I even made it into my bed. I couldn't even remember Archer's reaction or if he even reacted at all. Did he even have any reason to react? He and I were only friends, so why did I feel partially guilty about it? Besides, he did the exact same thing to me, so it doesn't matter. None of this mattered. I had to get ready for this blind date that Ayana set up.

"Wear something cute and cozy, we're going to a winter festival," I read her text aloud before laughing. The last time I went to a festival was when I was in elementary school.

I was less than excited about the date than I should've been, but nobody can really blame me for that. Part of the reason I don't socialize more is because I don't trust people easily. I couldn't, not after what he did.

"You're a fucking whore." The venom he spat out with the words was enough to burn into my heart. "Stop talking to other guys. I'm the only one you need, Irene."

I was only talking to Brandon, one of my closest friends. I'd known him since kindergarten, so it was only common sense that I would talk to him. Why would I try to make a move on my best childhood friend when I was with you? I love you. I love you so much.

"I'm sorry," I muttered through the phone, "I'll stop talking to him. I love you."

He hung up without a word after that. No "I love you" back, no anything. But it was okay because I said it was okay. He loves me— I just know it. If there was a higher power in the world, why would they put me in love with somebody if they don't love me back as much as I loved them? If they didn't love me back at all? I refuse to believe that there was somebody cruel enough to do that.

The memory ended when I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I hated flashbacks like that. I always had them when I first broke up with him, but now I was able to suppress them most of the time. I hated thinking about him, so I blocked that part of my mind out. I wanted to forget about him.

That was the last time I talked to Brandon. Why am I like this? Once I realized how manipulative he was, it was already too late. I lost my childhood best friend, and for what? Some validation? A sense of worth from someone who only used me in the end? I felt dirty even though it happened two years ago. I was so naïve. I let him has his way with me so he'd be happy because if he was happy, I was happy. At least, that's what I kept telling myself. I shuddered and wrapped my arms around my body.

I was so bitter. So, so bitter. I didn't realize how many more tears were rolling down my face. Despite it all, no sound came out of my mouth. I didn't bother to wipe the tears away as I got ready for the winter festival. The birds were chirping outside in the dry, cold air and I could see them huddled up in a messy nest near a tree in the small yard. They reminded me of Archer.

     In the bathroom, it was much quieter. It was everything my life was— my mom's clothes bundled up in the corner, trash on top of the counters and in one of the sinks. There was a pink towel crumbled up near the bathtub; it was my mom's favorite one. Whether it was because of the color of the embroidery of flowers that made it so wonderful beats me. I didn't care either.

     The water from the sink was ice cold but I left my hands cupped underneath it. After I splashed my face with the freezing water, I took a long look at myself in the mirror. There was no mistaking that it was me. My hair was everywhere, there were dark bags underneath my eyes, and there wasn't an ounce of emotion I could detect in my own eyes. They were lifeless.