-Raphael-
*8 months ago*
"We...we really did it!" Leonardo shakes Donnie's shoulders as we enter the lair. He sports his medal proudly, even going as far as to wear it around his neck. He hadn't shown this much excitement in front of the FBI, but he's still a teenager after all.
"I can't believe we beat the Kraang!" Mikey matches his energy. "I just wanna...scream!" he jumps up a bit, fist bumping the air. I take a seat on a discarded crate and open my hand, looking at the medal placed in it. It's so shiny it reflects the sadness in my face.
Our victory wasn't what I thought it would be. Of course I'm glad we defeated Shredder and the Kraang, but there's still an emptiness in my chest. An emptiness that wouldn't be filled even if we were on the Jumbotron. An emptiness that hasn't been filled since I chose my brothers over Jules.
"Raph?" Donnie looks at me. I look up and fake a smile, but my heart isn't in it. Vern helped us out with saving the city, but Juliet wasn't anywhere to be seen. Where is she? Does she hate me? I can't seem to stop thinking about her, and I hate it. I thought choosing my brothers and the city was the right decision, and that if the city is safe, so is she. I never expected it to feel so...wrong.
"What is it?" I ask, closing my hand so that the medal is covered. Donnie walks towards me, followed by my brothers.
"You okay?" he asks, a frown on his face.
"I'm fine." I say quickly, standing up. "Anyone wanna train with me?"
Mikey wants to pipe up but Leo interrupts him. "We just saved the city, and we got credit for it. Kinda. Shouldn't you of all people be happy?"
"I am happy." I lie with a scowl on my face. Was I that easy to read?
"I bet he's missing Juliet." Mikey says, speaking as if I'm not there. "Does he know about the-" Donnie elbows him and he coughs.
"About the what?" I ask quickly, my eyes narrow and hard. For some reason I'm scared and nervous both at once. Is this about Juliet?
"Um..." Leo scratches his head. "We didn't wanna tell you this..."
"But?" I hastily press.
"But Juliet was in a car crash." Mikey says quickly, earning another elbow to his side, but this time from Leo. "What was that for?" the younger turtle groans in pain.
Leo says something about how that wasn't the way to break the news, but I can't hear anything else. I feel the color draining from my face and the medal drop to the ground. Everything was pointless. Saving the city, everything. It's pointless if she's gone.
"Where are you going?" Donnie asks, and I realize I'm on my way to the exit. I stop in my tracks and face my brothers.
"I'm gonna see Vern." I confess. "I need to know everything. I need to know if she's okay."
"You can't." Leo says. "We, uh, kept it from you because we knew how close you were to her." Close to her? I was in love with her, but I realized it too late. "She tried to commit suicide about a month ago." Suicide? She wanted to kill herself and I wasn't there because I chose the damn city. I left her when she needed me the most and she had nobody. I felt sick to my stomach. Sick and helpless at the same time.
"It was a failed attempt." Donnie explains, a flicker of relief in his eyes, leading me to exhale in relief and smile softly.
"Well, that's good?" I eye each of them before my eyes rest on Leo. "Right?"
"She didn't make it, Raph." he says animatedly, and I'm back to feeling sick and helpless. "Vern told us she died a few days ago. Something about her brain." Leo sighs sadly. "He asked us to give him space, and that's why we couldn't tell you."
Mikey's eyes well up with tears and he faces Leo. "She really didn't make it?" he asks, not waiting for a response before he slams his body into mine in a hug. "I'm so sorry, bro." he says, but I'm frozen in place. I can't move. I can't think. I can't even feel.
"I gotta go." I say quickly, peeling Mikey off me and moving to the training room where I beat a dummy senseless, regretting my mistakes and wishing that I never chose the city. My brothers don't follow me. They know better than that.
The city doesn't even know who I am. I see Juliet's face in everything. I see her everywhere I go. She made me a better person. Because of her, I never felt like a mutant. I felt...human.
But in this moment I truly feel like a mutant. I feel every part of me that feels remotely human fade away as the realization sets in that she's gone. She'll never smile at me again, or speak softly, or even hug me again.
Even though tears escape my eyes and blur my vision, I still feel wholly mutant.
And I'm never human again.
