A-Force Assemble

ScarletWidow - Worth it

Warnings: depression and anorexia are the center of this chapter so don't read if you don't like these topics!
Requested by @maxxaaronn on ao3, i hope it turned out okay!
"wanda and natasha, both angst and fluff. wanda suffers with depression/suicidal thoughts and tries to lose weight, until natasha has to stop her.
you just write angst so well and aaa i love all your works!"
It was really hard to write as i myself am struggling against depression everyday so i hope it turned out okay anyway!
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As far as Wanda recalls, the voices have always been there. They aren't always loud, but they always tickle the back of her mind.

It worsened when she acquired her powers. After that, she could not only hear her voices but also people's ones. And it was breaking her, slowly but surely.

***

Entering Natasha's mind was a new experience. But not an exciting one, rather one you wish you only live once in your life. Of course, she had already entered criminals' minds before, but nothing she couldn't handle.

The second she broke Nat's barriers however, her mind screamed louder than it had ever done. Blood, Blood everywhere and cries of a child. She was in a cell getting beaten and the second after she was trembling in front of the bloody body of her comrade, a red knife in hand. She was tied to a chair, electricity running through her body, screaming against her gag and the second after she was laying on a table, tied again, while a doctor was violently inserting something between her legs. She thought she knew what hell looked like, but she was wrong. Natasha did. And entering her mind, seeing everything made Wanda feel even dirtier than she had ever felt, wronger. She knew she would never be the same again.

Look at what you have done. Another person is broken by your fault.

When Ultron's gone, she apologizes over and over again to Natasha, who simply tells her that it's okay, that she didn't know what she was doing. She tells her that it's okay.

But it's not okay, not okay at all. She saw the pain in Natasha's eyes, violated her private space deeply, reactivated dark, bad memories she took years to bury deep in her mind. Nat should hate Wanda. She should hit her with all her rage, she should shoot her twice in the head, she should refuse her in the team. But no. She takes Wanda's apologizes and within a snap of fingers, it's forgotten. She tells her it's nothing.

It makes Wanda hates herself even more.

***

Fear. Monster. You shouldn't be alive.

After Sokovia, the voices are very loud. Pietro's loss and her culpability seem to make everything 100 times more horrible. People in the streets avoid her, crossing the road when they see her coming, or looking at her like she is some mistake in the universe.

They hate you. You shouldn't have been born.

Wanda sighs. She lowers her eyes to the ground and goes on walking, trying to build a mental wall to stop the voices. A brilliant failure.

Freak. You should have died.

They are right, she thinks. All these voices. « Only the truth hurts » so if Wanda is so hurt by their words, it is because it is true. She is absolutely convinced about it. She walks in the streets, trying to make herself as small as possible. Something hits her in the head, probably a bottle but she doesn't stop to look at it. It wouldn't be the first time it happens and she is too afraid by her own strength to even think about fighting back. No, she goes on walking, only letting the sob building in her throat out once she has reached the secure walls of the tower and her room.