Know My Pain.

2. Shame

I remember how she made me smile and laugh like there was no tomorrow, I didn't quite know what happened when we first met or why she had moved away.
I'm pretty sure that we met in a pub called "The Tavern" which my Nan or Gran I should say would take my cousins and me after school, but first, we'd always go to the sweet shop called "Eddies" who always greeted us with a smile and let us have extra sweets.

My favourite was the golden nuggets chewing gum and I always kept the little bags the sweets came in, then at the pub, I'd get some jelly beans or crisps from a machine near the backyard. We would always go there to play "Don't step on the cracks" but then as we got older she moved away and I was alone. Her name was Chelsey, she was my best friend.

At least that's what I believed...

•°•°•

It's been so long since I've spoken my mind, well, wrote my mind down I guess. This is a risk but I will try because I know I could help a lot of people with this one day.
So last time I spoke about a serious issue and said I'd give more details now is that time but there's just so much to say that...
Well, I guess I just start with what I remember.

I remember that I was at Krystal's place, my biological mother who I will refer to by name and you'll soon know why, it was once my home...no, a prison.
I was restricted, constricted and reductive.
The TV volume was no higher than 12 while she slept, cleaning done mostly by myself, I cook most nights and I had to be on my best behaviour otherwise I'd get slapped right across my head or worse my cheek.

This night though, I was on the phone with my dad who I saw every other weekend and I don't exactly remember what was said, I'm sure I had said I didn't like Lisa. She was my dad's girlfriend, now fiancé, but after that phone call, I wasn't allowed to see my dad anymore.
Maybe it was at that moment I truly started to see Krystal as a monster because it was after that day I felt divided from the world, I felt unloved and it was as if a part of myself was missing.

I was forced to grow up without my dad.

Sometimes I hated my dad for that, I thought he left because he didn't care...she made me believe that...I even had to lie to her when she'd ask "What would you do if you saw your dad again?".
I remember the first time she asked I had said I'd tell him I missed him and then she went on a long rant about how he left me, after a few times of making the mistake of saying something similar to that I realised that she never wanted me to forgive him because she couldn't forgive him.

After I figured that out I lied to her, I saw no shame when she smiled at that.