Warning!! this contains unpleasant language and depressing themes and over all angst. I am really bad at warnings
*****
I want to love someone.
I could do it, if I wasn't so guarded.
I could and would give someone the world.
I'd go out of my way to make them smile and I would make them smile a lot.
If I wasn't so guarded I wouldn't be so afraid of loving someone.
If I wasn't so guard I wouldn't be afraid to tell someone that I am scared of the things I feel for them.
I wouldn't be afraid of them touching me.
I wouldn't hate myself for wishing I could touch them.
I wouldn't feel like shit because all I can do is fantasize about holding them and telling them I love them.
I wish for the love of god I could simply speak to someone I am attracted to and not be afraid that I am annoying them. I wish I could just say.
"I am broken and scared, but if you give me the chance then I will make you smile, every chance I get.
I may be afraid to express what I feel inside, but if you can be patient I will find the words to tell you how much you mean to me.
And I know I am wary of distance, specifically lack of distance, but If you understand that I want nothing more that to be close to you then I think I can muster up the courage to touch you.
You see I was taught that the feelings I have are wrong and need to be kept hidden because no one wants to deal with my emotions, but now that I am allowed to feel them I don't know what feeling them looks like.
I still believe that no one cares.
That the world doesn't want to deal with my emotions.
That trying to tell you I love you is a waste of your time because the second you reject me, because you will cause who would want an emotionally broken young adult whose never had sex because sex is the most important part of a relationship and my lack of experience is an inconvenience to you and my emotions will piss you off, of course you'll reject me I will understand.
I will understand that love is sacrifice.
So I will sacrifice being close to you just to save you from me because I do know who I am just not around you because I haven't known you long enough to know how to hid my shame, but if I admit that I have shame then I am the weird one even though all you do is reassure me that I am perfect just as I am I can't help but think you are lying just to get into my pants."
I want to tell you that I want to take it slow because I want you to value yourself instead of thinking that people only want you for sex.
I want you fall into my pace of love before sex and trust before touch even though everyone says I'm crazy because men have needs and that I'll end up alone because men can't live without good p*ssy and if that ain't you then the what is the point of perusing.
I feel like there is a wall between us that is made of glass.
The world tells me to put down the sledgehammer in my hands, but I don't want to because I see you on the other side and I want to break that glass.
I want to walk on the shattered pieces just to I can hand you the world that I have saved just for you, but I am scared.
Because everyone possesses the ability to lie and everyone has the option to use it.
signed, The one you will never notice.
Oddly
