i wake up
and as the blurriness in my vision begins to subside
a mix of blue & green lights gleam into my glossy eyes, lining my dark ceiling providing the only light in the room.
the beams mix together once they surpass my eyes & land atop my brain.
thoughts floating around my head, different emotions pitily viewed from the safeness of the difference between a brain and heart.
see the brain only acknowledges the emotions, the heart is faced with feeling them.
as the blues and greens make a perfect mix between the two, i zone out.
"who am i?" i think, and i begin to try and answer this question.
i imagine myself being on my heart instead of my brain, and the questions begin.
"where is this sadness coming from?" i ask my heart, and it doesnt know either. i wish i could just connect my heart and brain, theyd be the perfect team,
but the unfortunate reality of mental illness, is theres either a heart, OR a brain in times of distress. theyre never able to work together then.
"well, if you cant answer that, what do you feel?" i ask.
and i realize now that my heart cant speak, because the scars that deface its surface & depths have damaged its mouth, its made it impossible to explain how it feels.
so instead, shades of blue & red boxes, some faded, some not, begin to rise from the depths of my soul, tops opened with labels.
some more colorful, some more self-invigorated & defined, some barely even a color anymore due to the fading.
the labels are labels of all the things that have broken me, that violated me, the things that caused mental and emotional destruction, and after searching one, i realize the meaning of the colors.
the distinguished, fiery red boxes correspond with the anger, the deep, obnoxious fury that i feel about the certain things inside.
and in chronological order, as the red fades more and more, the contents of the boxes that still represent anger, just anger me less and less as the fading continues. until theres only a weak, barely recognizably red box left, and whats inside barely bothers me anymore because its been supressed so long.
then comes the blue boxes, and within the solid, bold, deepest blue boxes i find the contents inside are whats caused me the deepest sadness, the most irrevocable states of depression and again, in chronological order, as the blue fades more and more, the contents of these boxes are events and people that bother me less and less.
the fading continues until theres nothing but a weak, barely recognizable blue box left, and whats inside has also been supressed too long to add to any real emotion anymore.
after searching the boxes, i turn to look around and see a reflection of myself bouncing from the wet, scarred walls that are glossy from tears, and i see that my tears are purple. a perfect mix between red and blue, and turning to speak to my heart again, my breath emits colors from my body of many kinds.
blues, reds, greys, dark colors of all kinds.
some colors even of the happy kind.
i smirk seeing the happy colors, thinking, "finally, a sign of something positive."
but i was wrong, because the light, beautiful colors representing good emotions run over to the dark colors representing the negative, and they cling to them crying and screaming.
all of them, begging and pleading with the dark colors, asking them to leave.
"Please, go away! Go away! Why cant you be happy? Please just go and let us take over!"
in which the dark colors are adamant. most dont respond, as if they dont know what to say.
this chaos continues between the two types of emotions, until finally the dark respond all at once, in unity:
"We cant leave. Because the sadness in her soul has become our home. She internalized us, and forced us to stay inside her heart, until we finally made a home out of it. She allowed us to bury & seed the roots of sadness in the bosom of her very soul, and forever we will stay."
then, what i see next breaks me.
the positive emotions, all in unity, let go and give up. not even trying to refute or fight against the negative anymore.
all the happiness, hope, faith, motivation, care, belief, love, all of it at once begins to fade into dark colors and become one with them.
i turn to my heart, screaming "Please, please make them stop! Please make them stop! Please! ill work through this all, ill do whatever is needed to let it all go! Just please give me the chance to do so!"
but my heart only looks at me with tears in its eyes, and slowly becomes lifeless in front of me. dead vines grow from beneath it and wrap themselves around it in a grip where it could never be reversed, the bright color of life begins to fade into a color of death itself, and my heart becomes cold to the point of freezing.
i wipe my tears, and pay condolences to the once pure heart that lived within me. then i come back to the moment and appreciate the numbness i feel inside my self.
