DEFY series: Behind the Scenes

DAMIAN Point of View bonus scene!!

*SPOILER ALERT* This scene takes place before Defy, BUT it has a lot of spoilers in it because it's from Damian's point of view! If you haven't read the book yet, you have been warned! :-) 

Damian

I hovered near the door, waiting in tense silence, until I heard the plodding footfalls of Nolan crossing my outer chamber and then the thud of the other door. Even then, I remained still as my muscles burned in protest, until I was absolutely certain he was gone for the night. I was finally, completely alone. With a sigh I rolled my shoulders, trying to shrug off the stress of keeping up the constant façade. The air was thick with the weight of another storm, a heavy, pressing dampness that coated my skin and dragged through my lungs like sludge with every breath. After peeling off my shirt so I could practice unencumbered, I crouched and withdrew the sword that was hidden beneath my mattress.

With a deep, slow breath, I sank into a low fighting stance and methodically began working through a series of warm-ups, loosening my muscles, ignoring the sweat that built around my hairline and began to slip down the sides of my face. Gradually I increased the speed of my movements, faster and faster, always on bare feet, always silent except for the whisper of the blade slicing the thick air, so that no one could hear me—not even the guards who lived on either side of my room. No one could ever find out that the prince they knew—the lazy, irritable, selfish man they thought me to be—was no more so than Iker was but a harmless, annoying old man.

The storm broke outside as the familiar pain of muscles working slowly led to a growing fatigue. And then, finally, as the rain lashed at my window and the trees beyond the palace wall were completely encased in shadows, came the welcome numbness. There was nothing but me, the darkness, and the sword I wielded. I tried to keep from imagining all my foes as I lunged and parried, spun and jabbed, both those unknown, and those within the palace. Iker. My own father. If I let myself see them, I lost the numbness. I lost the chance for a dreamless sleep.

But not matter how hard I tried, no matter how quickly I carved my blade through the air,  I couldn’t keep my father out of my mind tonight.

With a ragged gasp, I halted, my chest heaving and my shoulders and arms aching. I couldn’t let myself think of him. Not now. If I let myself go down that path, I would be plagued by nightmares, which were exactly what I was working to avoid. Even when I was able to exhaust myself to the point of being able to fall into bed and immediately drift off to sleep, the blood-drenched dreams still found me more nights than not. But sometimes, sometimes, if I worked hard enough, long enough before giving up and lying down, I could avoid them. I could steal a night free from my mother’s screams, from the blood washing across my vision as she was killed in front of me… from the memory of Victor telling me to run, to hide, to save myself even as the enemy was breaking in to his room—leaving him to die alone.  

An ache blossomed deep in my body, somewhere below my heart, a terrible, wrenching pain that stole my breath as I tossed the sword onto my bed and grabbed a rag to wipe the sweat from my head and neck. I held the cloth over my eyes, my hands fisted around the smooth fabric, willing the memories, the horrific images and sounds to go away.

Probably only because I was so still, so focused on the silence as I stood near the wall that separated us, was I able to make out the sound of a small clatter, of something hitting a stone floor, barely audible from the room next to mine followed by the muted sound of laughter. I had to strain to hear it, but immediate recognition drove the pain inside to become even more piercing.

Alex.

It was her laughter. I could tell, even through the wall that separated us. But Marcel’s quickly followed, a deeper timbre than his twin sister’s. When they were alone, she didn’t work so hard to moderate her voice, though she was quite good at it in public. I noticed a difference even then—but it was probably because I’d known she was a girl from the first moment I met Alex and Marcel, when they were presented to me as the newest members of my guard. They were nearly identical, so everyone believed that Alex was a boy. Especially after she beat everyone in the ring to earn her spot on the guard.

But because of what I was, I could sense that she was a girl, and it had taken me by such surprise I’d barely been able to maintain my aloof guise, to keep the condescending sneer on my face as she and Marcel bowed to me. A girl….a girl who was a better fighter than even Deron? And in the year since that time, my original shock had quickly given way to admiration and even, if I was honest, something akin to jealousy. Because even though she had to play a part, at least she had her brother. At least she had someone.

She wasn’t completely alone in her disguise. Like me.

However, it wasn’t true jealousy that I felt. I stood there silently, hoping for another burst of sound, but there was nothing else. If they were still up, I could no longer hear them.

I was grateful she had her brother. What I felt was more of a…yearning. I watched her, and I yearned for something that could never be. Because the worst part of all of it was that somehow, stupidly—uselessly—I’d allowed myself to start to care for her. It was undoubtedly one of the worst mistakes of my life to give her even a moment’s thought beyond her duty to protect me. Especially since I could never reveal that I knew she was a girl.

We were alike in so many ways. I longed to truly know her—to let herknow the real me. I was tired of the annoyance in her changeable hazel eyes and the barely veiled dislike she labored to conceal from me when she was on duty. If she only knew...But it was an impossible wish. An incredibly risky and potentially lethal wish.

I turned away from the wall, grabbed up my sword, shoved it back into its hiding spot, then lay down on my bed without bothering to rinse off. I had to stop letting my mind wander. It was taking me down dangerous paths tonight. With a sigh, I shut my eyes, hoping I would be spared the nightmares, but knowing they would probably come anyway.