Reparations of a Lost But Unforgotten Love

Untitled Part 1

I guess I should start off with how we met...we were both fourteen. you were in two of my classes Freshmen year of high school, Geometry H and World Studies. If I'm being honest I never really paid attention to you in the beginning, I was sitting next to this awfully annoying kid who would stare at my phone whenever I got it out. he had this really nasally sounding voice. I didn't have any friends in that class, and to make matters worse in eighth grade I had a really horrible math class where I developed a lot of bad study habits. This, consequently, caused me to struggle in that class... a lot. I think it was the end of first quarter when I first officially met you, October 16th, this was also when I met my group of closest friends. On the seating chart, I was sat next to April, I'm sure you remember her...little did I know then, but she would become my closest friend. and you sat in front of her, you sat next to Anna Desimone, I think? I don't know but it was a girl named Anna. Our first ever conversation was about how girls take showers, lovely first impression if I do say so myself, you had asked us how we wash our hair since it was so long. I remember April said she twists it and puts it on top of her head, I agreed with her, even though that's not how I wash my hair. Even then, after I had first met you, you still didn't "catch my eye" I guess. I remember the exact date I started falling for you, November 2nd. Now that I'm really thinking about it, the way I fell for you wasn't exactly romantic...I had told myself the day before that if I don't find someone (to love) within the next month that I should probably just end it all. I was in a bad place that year...I was still trying to get over the last boy I had liked. I had thought that that boy was the most perfect boy to ever exist and that I'd never find anyone better than him, so I stopped trying to look for someone better than him...I stopped looking for anyone at all. But then November second had rolled around. I can't remember why or how, but I had decided that it was you. I'd start to pine over you. I can't say my feelings were that strong at first, since I, at that time was using you to justify keeping myself alive. But I soon realized little by little that it wasn't just an attraction I had for you. I'd start to see you and I'd see you who for you really were. And, you'd see me right back. For context, I have never had any strong male relationships in my life. I had never had any guy friends, I was too shy to talk to my male cousins and uncles, never had a brother, and right about then was the time that I started realizing how awful my relationship with my dad really was. You, you gave me attention and validation, and you enjoyed talking to me, and you joked around with me, and you saw through my ugliness, on the outside and on the inside, and you saw me. I quickly, quickly became infatuated with you. I used to look forward to waking up every day and I used to look forward to going to math every day...because of you.  And it was always these little acts of appreciation and attention that fueled that infatuation. first, I was walking into English class one day and you walked in behind me and grabbed my backpack to say "hi" to me because you had left your chrome book in there last period. second, I was in the math lab working on a project with one of my friends, and you came in and came to say "hi" to me again. and we helped each other. Third, April was absent one of the days we had partner work and  Zoe had offered to sit with me, but before she could you did, without me asking, you sat next to me. these small gestures would be overlooked by almost everyone else...but I had never had anyone, let alone a boy, do those things for me. You used to do the dumbest things all the time to make us laugh and to make me laugh, and I used to laugh and smile just thinking about you, I've never adored someone so much to the point that they took over every waking thought in my mind. I had never felt so much joy and ecstasy just thinking of a person's presence. during math class, all I wanted to do was look at you, all I wanted to do was spend time with you and see you. It was so bad, that I couldn't focus anymore, and i was failing that class. gosh, you should've seen me when my mom told me that I might have to drop down from that class. and, I never thought that they'd actually go through with it...but they did. they had decided to move me down to regular geometry. when my mom told me...I couldn't do anything but sob. I sat in my bed and just...sobbed...uncontrollably. I never really cry that often, but the thought of losing you scared me half to death...if only I would've known that eventually, I would lose you...I would've done so many things differently. regardless, my mom pitied me enough to request that I stay in the FGH, so I did. I was required to go to the math lab twice a week and have a math tutor for the rest of the school year. it was worth it. you were worth it. This next semester was tough, I feel like I did a lot of stupid things then, but I still adored you so much... I started listening to your music, I started to be conscious about my appearance, I was so blatantly head over heals for you and to this day I'm convinced you knew. you caught me staring, you knew I did stupid shit over you. there's no possible way that you didn't know. our birthdays are ten days apart. and you made the entire class sing to me on my birthday, which sucked ass, but the gesture was appreciated. After spring break was when i subconsciously realized that as the year was wrapping up so was my time with you. I knew that I had to tell you that I had feelings for you at some point. I decided on May 22nd. that was when I'd tell you.  the end was unknowingly bittersweet. I said goodbye to you like it was the end of any other school day. but if I had known that would pretty much the last time I'd ever talk to you in person I would've said something different. that afternoon I texted you... to tell you that I liked you. you didn't know what to say. you said something along the lines of "sorry I'm not ready to date", and I knew that was a lie. that's what all boys say when they're not interested. it almost hurts more, because it insinuates that if I wait long enough you will be ready. I cried about it initially but it took all summer to really set in...as June July and August came and went you texted our group chat less and less frequently until you were just silent...you had vanished from not only my life but all of our lives. we all fucking loved you. we really really loved you. and it was November again when I really realized that you were really gone. it was a dull aching pain. it was a constant emptiness. I was back to not having a guy I loved in my life. my excitement for life had vanished again. you had left and you took my happiness with you. many times I've debated texting you again. but as a coping mechanism, I lied to all of my friends about you, I told them that your response to my confession was more ambiguous than it actually was. Which made April think that you had led me on. I had told her I was upset, but she mistook that for anger. I was never ever angry with you. she had confronted you about it at least once for all I know, but fuck I am so sorry, I didn't know she was going to do that. I can't apologize enough for how everything post confession ended up. I'm seventeen now, as I'm writing this and the amount of pain I'm still in over you is insurmountable. I still think about you every day even though it's been two years since I've actually last talked to you. I tell myself constantly that I will find another guy that will make me feel the way you made me feel.  I've "liked" other guys since you, but every time I have to stop myself from returning to the thoughts of "he doesn't feel like you" or "he doesn't act like you" and I end up losing feelings for them because they aren't you. and I'm afraid I'll spend my whole life comparing the other men in my life to you. For the longest time, I've hesitated using this terminology because I used to overuse it way too much in my past but, I did love you, I still love you. I didn't just love you because you paid attention to me or because I forced myself to fall for you. I loved you. And it pains me every day knowing that you didn't know that I really loved you. And it pains me every day knowing that you were my first love and that I never got to have you. And it pains me every day that you were my first love and you probably thought I hated you at the end of our friendship. definitions of love change over time, and I'm sure in a few years I'll look back on this and say to myself "pftt she didn't know what love was", but as of right now and as of all of the feelings I have ever felt, I loved you. I want more than anything in the whole world for us to become friends again. I'm sorry I screwed everything up. I just wanted to deeply apologize for everything. I hope we cross paths sometime in the future. you're a wonderful human being, and you brought so much light and happiness into my life. I hope you're doing well, and I hope that the people around you appreciate your presence as much as I did. I know a girl who likes you as of right now, and all I ask of you is that you give her a chance, she's an amazing girl and I want the world for her. you're stupid amazing, please never change. 

thank you, first love.