Song Fics

If This Is Love - Ruth B.

It's been a long day and I'm trying to figure it out
The way those words left your mouth
I feel broken, shattered, and blue
And it's all because of you
And I'm trying, trying to figure it out

“Bakit ba big deal sayo?” he asked, pulling his hair in annoyance. I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Ayos naman,” he said, sitting down the bed, charging his phone. “Parang bata eh.” he stood up, leaving me alone. Tumungo siya sa bathroom para maligo.

I took a deep breath to prevent myself from crying. Ang gulo na kasi, ang gulo na namin. Alam ko naman na mahal ko siya, alam ko rin naman na mahal niya ako. Lagi nalang kaming nag-aaway, parang hindi na kami nakakapag-usap nang maayos. I know he's stressed lalo na graduating kami. I know na he's stressed and I try my best to adjust, pero paano ako?

I tried to forget what happened earlier, nasabi ko lang naman na mali yung ginawa niya. “Matutulog na ako,” sabi niya, he came out of the shower, shirtless and a towel around his neck to wipe his hair. Tahimik akong tumango at pumunta sa CR. Fixing his things, like his shirt that was on the floor and his pants. Inayos ko rin ang gamit niya para bukas.

“I'm so tired.” I closed my eyes as I let the cold water hit me, I need a break, we need a break. Kasi parang no matter how hard we try, magulo kami.

I dressed into leggings and a sweatshirt, magpapasko na rin, malamig na sa labas. I need to get away from here, I need time to think and room for my thoughts.

If this is love
Why does it break me down?
Why do you break me down?

“I love you,” I whispered, fixing the blanket. Sinara ko rin ang ilaw. I slowly closed the door, careful not to make any sounds. Kinuha ko rin ang wallet at cellphone ko, I won't leave him. I just need space, kasi ang gulo gulo na namin, parang walang papatunguhan 'to.

I need to ask myself if love is enough, but my mom always told me that love is enough and more. So it led me to question if this is love?

Kasi kung pagmamahal ito, bakit napapagod ako? Bakit nagsisiraan kami? Bakit hindi na ako masaya? Bakit ang gulo gulo na? Why does is drain me? Why are we breaking each other?

Yung pagsabi ba namin ng "I love you" puro kasinungalingan?

It's been a long time since I felt the way that I do now
Like I need you, but I don't know how
It's been a while since I smiled
And I meant it from my heart
But the idea of leaving this behind
It tears me apart

“The usual po ba?” Mari, the barista asked me, ngumiti ako at tumango, the coffee shop below our condo was open 24 hours. “Serve ko nalang po sa usual spot niyo?” I nodded and paid for my drink, nginitian ko siya at nagtungo sa usual spot namin ni Brent.

I stared outside the window, watching the cars pass by. “Thank you,” sabi ko kay Mari, she smiled at me, placing the coffee that I ordered and a slice of cheesecake.

I remembered the way I met Brent, it was at the same spot, he was doing this project and he didn't have a spot so naki-upo siya sa harap ko. I closed my eyes to wipe that image in my head.

“Baby! Tirhan mo naman ako ng cheesecake,” he said, peeking from his laptop, I smiled innocently, nakalahati ko na pala yung cheesecake na hati kami.

“Sorry!” I made a peace sign with my fingers. Breny sighed and opened his mouth. “What?” I asked, tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.

He smiled showing his teeth, “Feed me, baby please!” he said, nagpapacute pa, I rolled my eyes. Pero sinubuan ko pa rin siya ng cheesecake, he blew a kiss. I pretended to catch it and keep in my pocket.

“For next time,” biro ko, he nodded and continued with his work, focusing on his laptop. I spent the whole night staring at him.

Matagal na rin since we last did that, Chill in this coffee shop. This place feels empty without Brent, or maybe because all I remember is how we filled this place with warm memories.

Do I really want to leave everything behind?

Kiss me now and remind me why
I ever wanted to make you mine

“Can I sit here?” I smiled, this memory looks so alive, it looks so true. Sobrang sleep deprived ko naman, naghahallucinate na ako. With a heavy heart, I nodded and watched as he sat down in front of me.

“Mahal mo?” He asked, his eyes staring into mine, hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko, so I shrugged, placing both of my hands sa mug to keep me warm. “Your coffee is different,” pansin niya.

“Plain black,” sagot ko, he raised his eyebrows. “Baka kailangan ko na kasing gumising, baka we're preventing each other to grow.”

“Av,” he called, I smiled looking down, he sighed, standing up. Akala ko ay aalis na siya but he sat beside me, pulling me into a hug. “I'm so sorry.” he kissed my hair. “I'm so sorry baby,” he whispered.

“Are we still worth it?”

Even though it hurts in this moment
I've always known it
You're the other half of my broken heart

“You can have all the cheesecake that you want, you can steal all the blanket, you can use my charger even though I need it, I can wash the dishes, I can clean the whole condo, just please, don't get tired of us,” he said, looking into my eyes, pleading that I won't leave him.

I smiled, “Can I have the kiss that I saved for later?” I asked, natatawa pa ako and he smiled at me, kissing my lips and he wiped my tears.

“Eh ako? Can I have one now?” he asked, tumango ako, feeling him smile into the kiss. 

This man just broke my heart unintentionally, he can do it again, tomorrow, next week, or even the next year. But for now, he fixed it. And all I know is I love him, and with loving comes pain. Pain that I endured for Brent, because I love him, because my heart is whole when he's with me.

“Order akong bago?” Brent asked, noticing that I didn't even drink my coffee, I nodded. Smiling to myself as I realized one thing,

This is love.