Bitches and Jerks

Before Me Prt 2

Continuation of Nayla's Journal

Dear Diary,

One afternoon, I visited Caden's house and her family came to greet me. I was silent for a moment. It was my first time to meet them and I felt nervous.

"Who is this pretty girl Caden? Is she your classmate?" Her mom uttered once she opened the door to see me.

"Uh, yes mom." Caden answered after pulling me inside.

She then put on her genuine smile. "Oh how great. My daughter's having a new best friend despite being very new to the school. I hope your friendship last."

As we went to her room, something ticked in my head. "Have you not tell her yet?"

Caden looked at me blankly. "About what?"

"About us?"

She sighed then looked down. "I'm sorry...I just couldn't."

I frowned. "Why? Are you ashamed of me? Of us?"

Her blue eyes narrowed, wrinkles on her precious forehead were forming. "Of course not!"

"Then how can you do this when I gave everything to keep our relationship known!" I felt weak to the bone...eyes getting itchy with tears. "How can you hide me like that?"

"I'm not ready yet! Stop forcing me! I'm not like you!"

It was the first time she yelled at me and it felt like a slap on my face. It stang. "I'm sorry." I faintly murmured as I dropped my head. "Please forgive me for making you feel this way. It's just...I feel so....upset? I just thought that you--nevermind." I sighed. I was so embarrassed of myself for thinking such thing that she would do the same. "I'm sorry Caden..."

"Just give me some time..." She said, still with a scowl on her pretty face. "I'm sure I'll come up with a way. It's just....not now."

I nodded, trying to understand.

"Now can you leave me a moment to think?"

And I did. I thought it would take a short while. But it lasted a whole month. I didn't know what had gotten into her. However, I knew for sure that she was taking her time to think. To be sure. To be not confused. I knew that feeling, and so I let her do her solemn search of who she really was.

To fill the time that I felt empty inside without her, I hang out with Kean. My bestfriend since childhood. It was fun being myself before her. That rebel and careless kid who didn't give a shit because she knew that she belonged only to herself. That sense of idea that your responsibility was not divided. I thought for it as a win-win for us. She had the time to find herself, I had the time to recollect myself.

During a hot afternoon, Kean would pick me up then we would secretly smoke cigarettes while eating ice-creams. He would bring me to the beach at night with his Cadillac to stargaze while lying on the sand and would do crazy shit with me like jumping on rocky cliffs to dive in the ocean, and vandalizing the streets with graffities and being chased by the cops because of it. With him, danger felt like a good thing. It was the kind of danger that I had fun with, not the danger that would leave me broken.

I loved it. I loved the adrenaline, the feeling of his grip on my hand, his warm smile that made me forget my pain, his comforting embrace which told me that everything would be alright. He was everything I needed when I stumbled lost and bruised. But I knew my boundaries. I didn't want to have Kean just to be used in times of need. And so I stopped this flattery feeling before I got attached with it. Of course he understood when I told him. He said it's time to go back to her and I thanked him.