Fool Me Twice

Chapter 3

EMMY

(Past)

"Emmy!"

"One venti iced white mocha for Emmy!" sigaw ng barista sa may counter.

Tumayo ako from my table at iniwan nalang ang gamit ko sa mesa para walang umagaw ng pwesto ko. Nagpasalamat ako sa barista at tuluyan ng kinuha ang pagkamahal na drink ko sa counter bago bumalik sa table.

I've been seating in this coffee shop for a couple of minutes already, at patuloy pa ring nakatingin sa journal sa harap ko.

Things that Emmy still wants to do:

1.)

It's been 6 days since that dreadful day. Since my birthday. Kinikilabutan pa rin ako tuwing naaalala ko ang mga nangyari, at ang mga muntik nang mangyari. I can't believe that I went there thinking of ending my life, and actually almost doing it. To be honest, nothing's really changed about how I feel, pero sa tingin ko, I dodged the bullet. Perhaps sign 'yun sa akin na hindi dapat ako sumuko at bumigay. That life still has so much to offer me.

Binalikan ko ang sinisimulan kong listahan at nag-contemplate sa kung ano nga ba ang gusto ko sa buhay. I remember when I was still full of hope and excitement for what the future holds for me. 'Yung tipong I always had something to look forward to, kahit tipong dismissal pa 'yan or next episode sa pinapanood kong drama. I used to live, but now I'm just trying to go with the motion.

Naisipan kong i-stalk ang mga kaklase at ka-batch ko para magka-idea sa kung ano bang ginagawa nila. It's been a couple of days since I graduated college sa UST. Naninibago pa ko sa hindi pagpasok araw-araw at hindi makita ang mga kakilala ko.

Nag-scroll ako sa Twitter at nakita ang ibang tweets ng mga dati kong ka-block at ka-org.

SABway: JWU and about to eat my brunchienda! Good morning mga ka-unemployed! Woohoo!

ARIEStocrat: Fingers crossed! Road to employment!

GIANNEdaKho: RT this picture of Marian Rivera in 20 seconds or magiging hotdog ka

Napabuntong hininga ako at na-realize na halos lahat pa ay iniisip kung ano ang gagawin after graduation. We're all technically unemployed now, kaya marami-rami sa batch namin ang naghahanap na ng trabaho.

Establishing my career and becoming successful was always a part of my plans before, as well as applying for grad school sa US. It was actually a big dream of mine na makapag-aral ng masters ko abroad. My grades and accomplishments may be enough to get me in, pero masyado kasing mahal. Hindi ko afford.

I was actually a lowkey achiever during college. I always did my best, at laging nag-eexert ng effort sa lahat ng ginagawa ko. I was always busy and active sa orgs at academics ko to keep myself preoccupied. I was also extremely ambitious and even managed to graduate with Latin Honors.

Just thinking about my potential made me even sadder. Ano bang nangyari sa akin? Sayang. Bakit ko sinasayang ang sarili ko when I am all that I have left. Bumalik ako sa listahang ginagawa ko at naglagay ng dalawang entry.

Things that Emmy still wants to do:

1.) Find a job

2.) Apply for masters in the US and find a scholarship

Tinignan ko ang dalawang nasa listahan, and smiled for the newfound sense of purpose na mga ito. At least ngayon may mga gusto na akong gawin at abutin.