Inscape

Overthinking, Quite A Lot

This pitch black ink, was vacant and idle but somehow represents the short night. It's a place where you are exposed, out in the open. If you look at it a lot you can start to float and disappear, by some means you lose consciousness of your surrounding and your body as if it's in the blurry background. That area is a home of lost thoughts or people. Once you get in to that zone, nothing else matters, not your vulnerability, the emptiness you feel and are around, the possibility of dangers are scary. A creepy sort of peace is what i'd call it, but it's the best kind. When you look up at night and really get in your mind, your faced with deep thoughts, the kind that your scared of or you push behind or become you are met with yourself. It's been a 535 days and I still can't face my thoughts on hope, I who normally over analyses every passing idea. I have even dealt with the arcane during these times but for something as seemingly innocent as hope it's un-questionable. I have been in my mind for some time now analysing the wisdom once given to me, even if it was indirectly to help us pull through. Someone once told me that 'You are your emotions, and those feelings are slaves of your thoughts and you of your emotions'. Five hundred and thirty five days prior I refused to acknowledge the prospect of me as a slave to anything. That word/name has been shown and used in only negativity and makes me dislike the word itself. The thought of orders and lack of liberty, is unfathomable to all especially teens. But when you think about, we are all slaves of the law, our conscious, expectations, morals, honor and even the way we were raised, seem to rule some. It is not all negative, laws or morals are in essence positive, they don't mean no liberty. Why then did we all think we had no freedom because of these ? Why did we always crave for more? To dictate our own foot, to have more of what we define as freedom, it isn't even the real thing. I know now that freedom isn't what we think it is and I do regret the time wasted craving for something I already had so much of. Now, in this present that seems so unreal, the ungrateful, needy, immature and unknowing would do everything to not be premature adults. To lack freedom, in it's true definition was the opposite of what we had and is what we now do. Whimsical, peaceful, free and full of air is the woods and it is why I go and spend most of my time surrounded by bark, weird looking mushrooms and moist earth. It's the reason why I like the forest, I feel like I can breath hear in this constantly blurry, wet and humid nature, it's tranquilising. Onism ; the awareness of how little of the world you'll experience. The world in itself is contradicting it's small and big at the same time, a place you lose yourself but find others. Lay down, close your eyes and wow, something so minuscule but you live so much in your mind. It was definitely not always so simple, I had never experienced that kind of adventure in my mind until I found myself in the real world and was forced to open myself to this kind of awareness, or mindfulness. Nature used to scare me, the unknown, weird things, things that are not like me, the fact that you truly are not alone. Everything is so full of life outside, so complex, new each time and confusing. Before I couldn't lay, anywhere without feeling bored or the need to do something, distract myself. Now I spend weeks or hours in these endless woods with me, myself and the world, no the earth. Two completely different things, when you say world you mean the human civilisation and all things that come with it like cars, roads, buildings. The earth is all life, essence, natural thing on the celestial body a.k.a my home. On this day I thought about before, the past, isn't so weird how time moves without me even realizing almost as if it's gone, it stopped chasing me unlike before. I was a eccedentesiast ; a person who hides pain behind a smile. You would never know I cried before seeing you, because I couldn't trust you. Life was a never ending trial of being something else. I could never open up too much, no matter who you are or how long you've been in my life, family or best friends doesn't matter. Humans always disappoint no matter what, even if they don't mean it. That's probably the hurt speaking, the experience I have with betrayal. I had, perfected or have, the art of a happy face, fake laugh, smiles and all the lot. Here on the literally 'warm' or dalisay, as in pure, wildlife there isn't any trace the darkness of our society. I can't ever get bored when I have so many thoughts to think, elaborate or things to truly see deep into. Here I can have the deepest conversation with myself. I believe in God, this higher being, is my strength, comfort and the only reason I'm sain. So with him I have so many conversations, my thoughts, plans, worries or questions. I think that's why I'm not crazy he is the only person who know the deepest darkest places of me, my mind and my thoughts. It's weird having these divisions or split persons inside, there all me though. I believe it's all me trying to create who I am, to choose and form one of the voices who will stand victorious. They were right when they said tv was a distraction, truly all electronics or literature are, they keep me busy from myself. When I have diversion I enter some kind of parallel universe. I've been to cartoons, the past, future and paradises of all genres. Viridity; innocence there are so many ways and things to be innocent to. I never knew when I lost mine, I grew up before everyone, mentally, spiritually and especially physically. I think it happened gradually, with all the information gained. I still have some innocence left, I think what truly left me was my gullibility, thought both things are intertwined. Experience can get rid of viridity and gullibility and fakeness, unrealness can do that to. Betrayal from people who change who they are, change faces, personalities and hearts do damage. How can a person have the energy, time, heart and thought to have this split personality and to hurt others. I have been burned by these people, that's where my gullibility when't accompanied with my blind love for people. There are two types of 'two faced', the one who are like this because of their own sad story or those who are just mean. Just like the physical ones, emotional scars stay and mark you, though I am still those qualities of the past I have now added unsure, overthinking, questioning every action they and I make, not to forget afraid of being alone. All because, when i love I do it fully with the whole of me. I think the cartoons, like My Little Pony or Barbie have protected me, given me hope for that true friend and that hope never left. Nefelibata; one who lives in the clouds of their imagination. A blessing is what it is, it protects, heals gives life/personality and hope. But it is also a curse that keeps you from facing yourself. The night and forest does that for me, lets me face me, my demons and thoughts. The darkness that needs to be filled gives space and time for that, and the stars hope. Desperation, the human instinct is to survive, that's why we adapt but somehow always after the storm. The first few months here were chaos, complete disorder and confusion, until we as a people were face with the stone cold. We did as our human nature dictates and adapted. We or more like me have strived to prepare for all situations and possibilities. Now we have a future, here a place surrounded by the wild, bare and youth. I never knew what my parents felt, having to be responsible for people lives, having a dependant. The constant pressure, stress of how are we going to keep everyone alive and happy. The first time I make a reckless decision was my last, in the middle, all huddled in a circle, with a dead fire, melted chocolate s'mores. We all laid, in deep slumber, as if it was a normal day and not the beginning of something dangerous.