It All Came Falling Down

seventeen

    I sat in my seat, wearing my service uniform, which consisted of a dress shirt, tie, coat, belt, and dress pants— all neatly ironed. It had concealed most of my wounds with its long sleeves and decorations except for the ones on my face. Those cuts that were exposed were simply red lines and not fatal anyway. The uniform was vastly different from the combat apparel I wore only two days ago, when I was still deployed in Anfaria. I was back in Esdrusia, sitting in a borrowed theatre, which the military was using to give special recognition. 
    “Corporal Kanston Wyllis.” My name was called, and I stood up to receive a round of applause. I began to walk down the aisle to the stage, where an award was going to be presented to me. The defence secretary was speaking up there. “Corporal Wyllis has survived multiple brutal and high-casualty attacks by Anfarian forces, including the now infamous ambush on Captain Rugard Daven’s company and General Burnham Hanley’s brigade. The corporal was also wounded many times in battle. He is truly an Esdrusian war hero.”
    I took the stairs at the side of the stage to get on top, where I saluted the secretary. He ordered me to face the audience while he stood behind me. “Corporal Wyllis, because of your gallantry, meritorious actions, and accomplishments in this armed conflict, I hereby present you the Esdrusian military’s medal of honour and an impact promotion to the rank of Major. Our glorious nation and her beloved leaders commend you for your service of the country, Esdrusian ideals, and your comrades. Congratulations.”
    When all of the nonsense was over, I was perhaps the first one to throw on my peaked cap, which I tilted slightly on my head. It was time to get out of there— away from the place where I was just awarded for being a pawn in the war. As I left the theatre in a hurry, I ran into a marvelous brunette, who stopped me and handed me four roses from the bouquet in her hands.
    “You are a hero, sir, to me and to many others out there. You’ve done good things! Thank you for your service,” she told me with a big smile on her face. After laying a kiss on my cheek, she hurried off to the next soldier who exited the theatre. 
    Somebody tapped me on the shoulder, and I turned around to see that silly battle buddy of mine from the devastated Anfarian town, Mardius Frutel, who was meritoriously promoted to lieutenant. “Hey kid!” he greeted. “You want a smoke?”
    I shook my head. “Nah, I think I’m good.”
    “How are you doing? You’re a hero, you know that?” he said, mocking the voice of the defence secretary while lighting up a cigarette for himself.
    I forced half of a smile. “I don’t know about that, Mardius. In fact, I feel like crap after what happened. I’ve done things I believe are unforgivable. Who knows how I look in God’s eyes?”
    “I know what you mean,” he blew a puff of smoke into the air. “War is hell, isn’t it? I’ve done things I’m not proud of either, but that was then and this is now. Sometimes I still feel as if we fought for country and liberty my ass. But that’s just me.” 
    I nodded as a beautiful blonde walked by and winked at Mardius. Suddenly, I was hit with a flashback: the pretty bartender, Gwen, and Lieutenant Truxin’s heinous acts. I shook my head and pushed the memories away.  
    “Hello, gorgeous,” Mardius removed his peaked cap and leaned over for the stunning woman to kiss him on the cheek. “Do you want to meet at Arch’s Bar down the street tonight at six?”
    “Of course, handsome!” flirted the lady. “What should I wear?”
    “Anything you want!” replied my friend. “You are like a goddess already.” Then he leaned over and whispered into her ear. “I do have a thing for short skirts, though, darling.”
    The woman laughed. “You’re so naughty! I’ll see you later then, in uniform.” She grinned and winked again before walking away. 
    “Nothing like a military man in uniform to the ladies,” Mardius chuckled. “Speaking of which, how’s that enchanting girlfriend of yours by the way? Just marry that doll already!”

Two and a half years later
    “No! Please,” I cried, balancing myself by holding onto a nearby table. Sweat was profusely pouring out of my skin like the tears from my eyes. “Where did you take our daughter? Where is Addi? Where the fuck is Addi?!”
    “Look at you, Kanston!” Hero shook her head. “There’s something wrong with you! How can I leave Addi here, when her father is so unstable? It’s not safe for her! And it’s not safe for me! I really love you, Kanston, but you’re sick and need help. If you don’t find help, I will file for divorce, and you’ll never see Addi again!”
    “Divorce?! Come on, honey! There is nothing— absolutely nothing— wrong with me!” I retorted. “Why can’t we all just calm down and live together as a happy family?”
    “You woke up choking me once in the middle of the night. You talk to yourself in the mirror, for heaven’s sake! I hear you screaming in your sleep, and when I saw you lay your hand on our daughter, I had enough! She’s just a baby!” Hero raised her voice. She then pointed at the combat uniform coat that I wore. “The war screwed you up, Kanston; you’re messed in the head! You can’t even take that damned coat off without feeling naked. Sorry, I’m getting out of here now.”
    “No! Wait, baby! Don’t leave me alone!” I cried. I took a step up. “I beg you!”
    “What the hell do you want?” Hero stopped at the door and turned back around. She froze in horror at the sight of me. I didn’t think straight when I had reached behind my waistband for my handgun and pointed the weapon at her. “Kanston, what are you doing?” she asked calmly. “Why do you carry a gun on you?”
    “Sorry. I’m so sorry, baby,” I cried, falling down to the floor. “I need help! I— I need help!” I screamed and pointed the muzzle of the pistol to the side of my head. 
    Hero did not hesitate. “No!” she shouted, stepping forward to me with caution. 
    “Stop! Stop! Make it stop!” I shouted at the top of my lungs, tears pouring down my cheeks. Maybe she was right. There was something not right with me after the war, and this was the best way out. 
    “Kanston, look, I’m sorry! There’s still hope! Suicide is not the best way to go, believe me. I’ve been there, done that. You need to be strong and get yourself together. Go find a doctor.” She reached me and tried to calm me down. 
    I thought about what she said. I’ve lived with myself for too long already. They call me a war hero, but I see myself as a war criminal. I kept picturing those massacres, the rape, and the utterly terrible things that I had done to Androleus Kamisteo and all of the people I killed. How many families did I destroy? Why was I the way I was? The voices in my head were getting louder and more disturbing. But maybe there was some hope left, yet before I knew it, there was a loud bang.