My Life As A Calder

Chapter 3

I was awoken by my phone beeping with a text alert the next morning, being from Autumn. Amy's funeral had been scheduled to be held in a day in California. I knew I had to go and that my own problems had to wait. I needed to be there for Amy's family and I had to see her one final time.

I booked a flight to California that left in 3 hours, leaving me little time to spare. It was a 10 hour flight to California from London and I was not looking forward to another long flight. Luckily, I hadn't unpacked my luggage yet so I was ready to go.

At Heathrow airport, I checked in and then waited. I ate a ham and cheese toasted sandwich for breakfast at some small cafe and bought a hot chocolate to take out to the gates with me. I drank my drink and chatted with a few fans on Facebook while waiting. I received a text from Autumn saying Amy had left a note in a letter saying she wanted me to sing at her funeral. A wave of honour and blessing swept over me. I felt so honoured to have her ask me to sing. I would do anything for Amy and didn't hesitate to agree.

I boarded the plane when it was boarding time. I had been spotted by one person who had seen me before and took a selfie with her. I made myself comfortable on the plane, making sure I had booked first class so I would be comfortable. I hadn't experienced morning sickness yet today so I prayed it would stay that way.

After a long, 10 hour flight I landed in California or wherever the airport is and took a taxi to a hotel. I dumped my stuff in the room and changed to dress appropriately. I wore a mid thigh black body con sort of dress and black high heels (hate them). I let my hair stay out and left for the funeral knowing exactly what song I was going to sing.

I arrived at the funeral parlour me greeted all of Amy's family and friends, including Autumn. When I hugged her, I burst into tears. We held each other, trying to console one another before the ceremony. There was a picture of Amy on top of her coffin, making it harder for me to hold it together. She looked so happy. I smiled with tears in my eyes and took a seat up the front with Autumn.

I had written an eulogy for her, which I presented during her farewell. I chose not to include it in this story as it was too hard for me, I'm sorry. At the end of the ceremony, I was called up to sing. I wiped away tears and settled myself down. Microphone in hand, 'Hallelujah' by Lisa started. I started to sing, voice wobbly to start with but I stayed strong.

'Maybe there's a God above but all I ever learned from love was how to shot somebody who out drew ya,'
My voice began to wobble and tears started to prick to my eyes as pictures of Amy and I flashed up on the screen in a slide show.
'Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah.'
Tears streamed down my face as the song ended and the pictures of Amy finished for the final time. I broke down in tears as I walked back to Autumn and she pulled me into her arms also in tears.

The burial of Amy was the hardest. Lowering your best friend into the ground is something no one should have to go through. Watching her photo being lowered into the ground is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Seeing her for the last time ever. Never to hear her laugh again. Never to see her smile again. Never to hug her again.

Once the ceremony was over and I said my goodbyes to her family, i went back to Autumn's place and we both broke down in tears on her couch. We needed each other during times like this. We just sat there in each others arms, rocking slowly back and forth, tears streaming down our faces, small sobs escaping my lips.

Amy never deserved any of this. She never deserved to be depressed. She never deserved to be sent hate and she never deserved to be sent so much that she had to take her own life. Some say suicide is a cowardly act, but it's not. What's cowardly is being a big enough asshole to send someone enough hate that they have to take their life to escape it. That's what had become out of Amy's life. She was sent hate everyday. 24/7 she was being sent hate and shit through Facebook, Kik, snapchat, Twitter and all her social media. She was even sent hate letters in the mail or having it graffitied onto her car. That's how serious this became. No one deserves it, ever.

I receive hate and I know personally how hard it is to overcome some of the shit that is sent. I have already tackled depression in my life and almost opting to take my life a few years back. Hate is one of the hardest things to overcome. It's not just one small, 'your ugly' message. It's constant, 'you don't deserve to be here' and 'kill yourself' hate. I get sent that everyday of my life. I've learnt how to forget about it. Harry has taught me a new way to deal with being called fake, but the hate still gets to me sometimes. My mother taught me that if you can't say anything nice at all, don't say anything at all.

This message goes out to all people who are depressed or getting a hard time:
Don't give up. Stay strong and don't give in. Life gets better, believe me. If you give up, the bully or the people sending hate win. Talk to the people around you. They're there to help you. The main thing to remember is to just forget about it and brush it off. Stay strong babe xx you will pull through xx

No one deserves to go through what Amy went through. Absolutely no one. I've seen some of the stuff she was sent and it is absolutely terrible. It disgusted me. To be called a 'worthless, useless slut' and an 'ugly, weak, dumb bitch' is disgusting. No one deserves it and no one needs it. Having a life like me is not easy, believe me. People like me or El or Harry or Perrie or Niall is not easy. We have to deal with hate, threats, death threats, attacks and being mobbed almost everyday of our lives. I'm only the cousin of someone dating a celebrity and I still receive death threats and knives in the mail. Yes, KNIVES!

Anyways....

RIP Amy xx I love you beautiful baby girl xx you were nothing those haters said. Absolutely nothing but a beautiful, intelligent girl. I will always remember and cherish the days we spent together. I'm sorry it had to come to this babe. You didn't deserve any of it! I will always remember you Amy. Forever and always xx Love you heaps xx gone but not forgotten. Rest In Peace Amy xx ❤️