My Life As A Calder

Chapter 12

I found this chapter unpublished and thought I'd share Chelseys last thoughts and moments that she had for you ~ Jesy

This is a few snippets I've thrown together over a few days. Please don't judge. I just wrote a bit each day or whenever I thought I should. They're basically my thoughts and my emotions. This is private and I'd appreciate it if you didn't hate.

It's been a few days since I wrote a chapter. I know. I'm sorry. But I thought I'd change how I write and how I tell you about myself. There will still be bits like a diary, but otherwise, it will be like I'm talking to you personally, like now.

To be honest, nothing has been going well these last few days. For starters, I received a razor in the mail.. Again. I know you guys hate me but I don't need to be reminded constantly.

Just a quick recap on everything that's happened since I last wrote. Jesy and I are now dating and I couldn't be happier.. I don't think..

The only bit that kills me is Harry. He is pissed off. Way past it.. Saying he loves me and that I just used him. That he needs me and that it is all my fault.

I've been getting a shit load of hate from his fans, saying its all my fault he's changed and that he's different. I haven't done anything. This shit has to stop.

Anyways.. Harry's been avoiding me. Zayn has tried to talk to him but nothing has cracked him. During a face time with Louis, I asked him to ask harry about me which only led to him bursting into tears, making me feel worse.

I know I've destroyed lives. I know I've screwed up and I know I'm a useless lump. You don't need to remind me 24/7 about that. Believe me, it runs through my mind everyday and it is starting to become dangerous, like before.

Throwback:

When I was 12, I was depressed. I'll admit I used to cut and self harm. I know that and I have come to terms and accepted that. That's just who i was. It was my escape. My sanctuary. My haven. I was diagnosed by my GP. But when I turned.. 14 I think.. I was undiagnosed and free from that hell..

But now, I feel like I'm starting to slip into that hole again. Into that hell hole that I can't escape. The only escape is to leave. At least that's how it feels.

I've spent the last few days thinking about my existence. How I don't influence anything. How I waste space on this world. How nobody actually needs me here.

Another thing that kills me is that I've started again. Started what almost took me last time. Started cutting again.

It started off with one small cut, just to relieve pressure and pain. Then it took over again, just like the first time. All over my wrists and legs. It's built up over that last few days, making the pain disappear. No one knows anything. No one actually suspects anything. Like they'd care anyways.

Everything's gotten harder again. Nothing's working. Nothing's going right. I need a way out. A way to end all this crap. I thought I could fight it, but I guess not.

It's been a week. A week full of crap. A week full of hurt and pain. A week full of nothing. I've figured a way out though. Jess and I are currently in New York for New Years. I honestly don't want to see the new year. I can't handle a whole new year. It's impossible.

It's New Year's Eve right now. I'm in the bedroom. Jesy is out. I know I need to end it all now. Before midnight. I've got my razor, brand new here and a bottle of my old anti depressants. I have a plan in my head. Hopefully enough to take me.

Before I go, I'd just like to say something. I wanna thank everyone who has stood by me. My family and friends. And my fans who actually care. Who actually give a crap about me. I'm sorry though. I can't do this any more. I know.. Suicide is cowardly, but that's what I have become. A useless, unwanted coward.

Message to Harry:

If your reading this, I just want to let you know that you are one of the best things that has happened to me. Thank you, for everything. I know you don't love me anymore so I'm gonna leave you. And I'm sorry about out daughter. I just can't do this and I can't bring her into this world, not the way it is. I'm sorry and I will always love you.

Message to Jesy:

Thank you so much Jess. Your my best friend and my sister. You've helped me pull through this far but I'm sorry. I love you so much and I'm so sorry.

Message to dad:

I love you so much dad. Your my hero. You've done so much for me and I couldn't be more grateful. I'm sorry it has to come to this but it's the best for me. I love you for every and always. Don't forget me xx

So this is it. Good bye everyone. Don't forget me, please.