Unwilled, and Other Poems

Ива́н Васи́льевич (Ivan the Terrible)

Before Stalin exiled Trotsky

Before Lenin spoke Russky

Before Gorbachev tore down a wall

There was the mightiest Russian of all

Before the big USSR

There was the tsar!

They thought he was nobody

But on the contrary

He became the first tsar

(With quite an interesting memoir)

Awesome some say

Terrible is another way

Каким он другом, да

He challenged the boyar

How dare they despise the tsar!

He established an army, да

Became sole ruler of Росси́я

Don't meet him on a bad day

Or he'll take your limbs away

He took total creative control of the country

While saying he deserved it cause he was holy

As a man of God, it was his divine right

All were to recognize his might

All were to fear his stay

If anybody dared disobey

His dogs would use them as bones

Or he'd smash them with giant stones

Torture and bribery hit the spot

For he was a very clever despot

The insurgents tried revolts

And he'd throw the foes in holes

Or have someone chop off their head

Any brutal method, just stay dead!

Other countries were not on his side

They were saying he should just die

But instead of suicide, he started wars

Plundering and genocide was a main course

(Why kill yourself when others are more fun?)

And he still wasn't done!

He marched on Kazan

And soon it was gone

He marched on Astrakhan

And left not one man

But one day, the mighty tsar got sick

They didn't know if he'd recover quick

They thought he would die

His people gathered around the bedside

Expecting him to perish

(At least, that's what they wish)

But what gives?

The tsar lives!

With a candle on his chest

He was ready after a long rest

Visions awoke him and he arose

Back and ready to deal deadly blows

Meanwhile, the traitors had a tsar to overthrow

But he towers over them like a large shadow

A chessmaster with the world in his claws

Traitors would not escape his jaws

There was more trouble in the land

He murdered his son and his wife was poisoned

The loss of his family drove him to madness

A madness that caused many a crisis

They started to doubt their boss

Would this result in a battle loss?

Нет!

The tsar still stands!

They would heed his demands

You dare betray the tsar, you must have a condition!

He will take up the sword and continue that divine mission

Any uprisings, the crowds would have blood in their breath

Reject the verdict, there be a duel to the death

He even oppressed them with money

For suffering of the innocent put him in ecstasy

The breaking of bones and spewing of blood

The drowning of disobedient peasants in mud

He took showers in this bloodbath

The blood of those who dared face his wrath

The boyars continued to plot to kill him

Things were looking a little grim

They take out tsar, so someone else has fame

But tsar was steps ahead of their game

He got the successor drunk and found out the plan

Then tsar started asking if he wanted to be the man

Of course he'd like to be the leader

Who wouldn't be so eager?

So he let him wear the tsar frock

If he didn't, they'd think him a cock

The fake tsar wandered into a dark room

Where the conspirators waited and sealed his doom

Ага! You did not kill the real tsar, you only killed a fool

The real tsar will now punish you most cruel

What happened to the tsar after this?

Some say he had another bout of madness

Some say he had principles

Others say he was awful

(And they aren't wrong)

Either way, his demise wasn't long

He lost his final battle in a different fight

Playing chess, he moved his knight

Many men had failed to kill him

And he died when his brain attacked on a whim

And so ends the story

(If only it wasn't so gory)