Mint [H.S.]

4

I know It's Over - The Smiths 

I know it's over, still I cling. I don't know where else I can go.

HARRY 

Days went by. With each day that passed, I felt like I was even more trapped in my fucked-up mind. The covers that surrounded me in this pent up cocoon I had created with heavy duvets and pillows had become my safe haven. It had become this wall that I needed to protect me from the realities of life. It hid me from all the shit I had found myself in. The problems I had caused. Every cell in my body screamed "Idiot" while laughing hysterically. 

The weeks dwindled away and soon enough a month had come and gone. May had arrived but I still stayed in the same place. A smell had somehow developed inside the confines of my sweet escape. It was a mixture of old take out, stale cologne, and cigarette smoke. There was a slight underlining of laundry detergent but it was masked away by the stench of my misery.  

With every day that had gone by, I was left with my thoughts. My mind was a place that I hated being left in. A place that I avoided at all costs because I knew of the dangers it held. It was the breeding ground for my demons. A meeting place for them to conspire even more ways to screw me over. 

I hated it. I fucking hated that it held this power over me. This pull. These demons that I fought powerfully to destroy had managed to resurrect themselves from the dead, but only to pull me back under. Insecurity was their loaded gun. I had become captive under their spell and there was no way in hell I'd be able to get away from them now. 

Isabella's memory is the only thing that kept me alive... but even that was beginning to destroy me. I had ruined us... I knew that. I knew that there was no way that she would be okay, even though I did this for her. I did this so that she could find someone that would fit into her world... her family. As much as she claimed that she wanted to distance herself from their lifestyle, they still had influence on her. She has so much going for. I will only keep her from fulfilling that potential. 

Even amongst all the shit, there was still that one voice. A meek voice that kept telling me it could still be me. That everything was going to be fine. That Isabella loves me very much and wants to spend her life with me. For some unknown, fucked up reason she had wanted me... even though I had nothing to offer her. But that voice... that meek, little voice... was shouting as loud as it could, telling me that I could be that for her. I could be the man that she needed. There was still hope for me... for us. 

But the voices... the demons... they overrode that meek, hopeful voice. Their shouts were demanding.  They were louder than the small sliver of hope that I held in the back of my mind. They knew me much better. They knew I would never be good enough. Their hold on me was disgusting but powerful. Their grip firm. They knew the game and they were damn champions at it.

I was in a game of mental stability and confidence but so far I was losing. 

Small knocks came from the bedroom door. I don't say anything. I don't answer it. I knew that there was no point in yelling at the intruder to not come in because she would do it anyway. It was 3:15 in the afternoon which meant one thing - Maddie's daily check ups. 

"Harry?" Her small voice calls out to me, like she did every day since I arrived. She runs over to the bed, her careful steps no longer hesitant. "Are you awake?" 

"No," I groan. I can hear her childish giggles as she crawls up and under the covers. I don't stop her. I learnt the hard way that she was too stubborn. It freaked me out how much she was like me. The similarities that we shared. I thought that I'd dislike her. I wasn't the biggest fan of kids, but she was different. She was smart, witty, naive... reminded me of Isabella in that way.