Mint [H.S.]

9

Cavalier - James Vincent McMorrow

I remember my first love... I remember my first love. 

ISABELLA 

Telling Robert I was quitting the bookstore was heartbreaking.

The grief in his tired eyes and the sadness in his frail voice broke me even more... but my decision had been made final. As much as I wanted to stay there, I wouldn't. I couldn't... Memories of Harry were engraved into every nook and cranny of that small store. Everywhere I looked I saw him. I saw us. I saw all of the times we sat in the corner on an especially slow day reading, or   when he'd make me laugh with his awful jokes and ridiculous puns. 

Quitting was only part of the bigger plan. I knew what else had to be done. I had to go back home. No - I was going back home. 

I could no longer stay in London. My work visa was soon to expire and I had to make a decision if I wanted to apply for renewal, or leave the country as a whole. No extra thought was needed. I already knew what I wanted to do... what I needed to do. I had to escape this place. I had to leave London's strong confines of misery and find solace somewhere else. 

As much as I wanted to be done with New York, it was the only option I had. The only reason for me to stay in London was no longer here. He was gone leaving me with no other choice but to be be gone too. 

When I called Natalia to tell her the news, she couldn't have been more thrilled. Yet soon enough the sheer excitement of her voice vanished. The broken tone of my own had given me away. I hated that I sounded so weak... completely broken and miserable. I hated that I wasn't strong enough. I always thought that I was. I always prided in the fact that I was independent and was searching for something more. But here I was, with no longer a sense of my old independency. The tragedy in it all was that it didn't matter anymore. 

I was done finding myself. I was done trying to be someone I was not. 

I was a spoiled bitch. I was a pathetic little girl who couldn't keep the one thing that was good in her life. I couldn't stand up for myself. I couldn't stand up for him. I took advantage of my parent's upbringing to gallivant into a foreign country for what... an adventure? What good was that? Neither did I find myself nor did I become adventurous. I only lost myself even more. 

Who was I? I was a sad, lonely girl with a broken heart. I used Ty, I used Chase... I used Harry. 

All I wanted was to crawl away and to forget about the world. I wanted to hide away from its cruel intentions and to never let it use me again. Vulnerability had stripped me down until I was nothing but a foolish soul, ignorant to the fortunates of this earth. 

I have to leave. I needed to leave. I needed to get away from it all. 

Natalia had begged for me to move in with her. She had found a small apartment in the city only a few blocks away from the NYU campus. She was still attending but had decided to switch majors. During her spring break, her and two of her closest friends decided they wanted to go to Nepal to volunteer with a care project. They had spent their time working in children's homes with special needs and others who had been suffering with malnutrition and AIDS. She had decided then and there that she wanted to switch into the nursing program. She claimed that she felt like working for television wasn't what she needed to be doing with her life. She wanted to be more involved - to make a difference. 

I knew that moving back home would be a toxic decision. Nat explained that the situation between my parents only became worse after everything that went on between Ty, my father and Harry. Mother had filed for divorce, claiming that she could no longer be married to this man. I wasn't surprised. Love no longer lasted until eternity. I was a fool to think it did.