Why We Ever (Joshler)

3. One Fault

TRIGGER WARNINGS:

- Smut.

***

Josh, for once, makes sure to be responsible and get things done. He sets an alarm, waking up early in the morning, wanting to check the orders that were made Sunday so he can ship books. It's only ten (that's early for Josh) as he's downstairs in the shop, writing customer's names down, collecting everything he needs to take to the post office. Another thing he does is write personal notes for each. It's not necessary, no one asks for it, but it's something that lifts his conscience a little. Makes him feel like he has more people around him than he actually does.

Typically, the notes are something like: To [insert name], thank you for purchasing a book from us, we hope you enjoy.

It's brief. Dumb.

Josh likes doing it.

It takes about an hour or so for everything to be sorted. When he's finally done, he packs all the orders into his car and drives to the post office. It's time consuming considering the multitude of packages he's shipping out to different houses, and once he's done, it's nearly saddening. He doesn't have very much to do now that the shipments are all taken care of. . .

He sighs when leaving, heading back to his car. He plops down into the seat and sighs another time, too, not wanting to go back to the shop right now.

The loneliness is unbearable.

Josh has started to think about things he never would have, all because there's so much time to now. He can't have a mindless conversation to tie him over. He just thinks. It's eye opening, truly. When he's left with nothing but his thoughts, he begins to start realizing what's actually going through his head. Most of it is depressing. Ultimately, Josh is glad he's the one person allowed in, because if anyone else saw what's happening there, they would run.

He wants to run.

He can't.

Josh, for a while now, has been missing a lot more than his mother's touch. Whether he cares to admit it or not, he misses an intimate touch, also. There's never been a night since Josh and Brendon broke up where he hasn't thought about how much he longs for having his arms around him at night. That alone is the worst yearning he has out of all of them. Josh is only so strong. He can't carry himself alone for long. He has noticed this quickly.

He considers taking Brendon back, a lot. Maybe not take him back, but kiss him for a day, makeout, have sex. Fuck, he misses it all.

It's stupid. Absolutely ridiculous.

It would never happen, either. Brendon is too traditional. He always talked about how he wanted to get married, have kids, get a dog, and Josh said nothing, because he didn't know what he wanted. Still, he doesn't know what he wants, and that became a big problem for the two of them. Brendon comes with a certainty, one Josh will never have. That scared him. He has grown accustom to the unknown throughout the years, so much so that it has been comfortable for him, somehow. He never knows what is to come next.

Brendon wouldn't have a one-night stand with him. It's an absurd wish. He'd want to start a relationship again, and Josh isn't sure if he's capable of that right now. That's the biggest reason why he broke up with him.

Josh isn't capable right now.

Brendon was good. He helped with the store, with his mother, with him. He helped when Josh found out the chemotherapy wasn't going to work out. He helped when Laura died, because Josh was so numb he couldn't walk the next morning. Brendon was good. And Josh wasn't.