A Broken Crew

Chapter 35

Dakota came down the stairs, holding his head. "Hey, where's Mom? Did I pass out? I remember being in the car, but I woke up in the bed. Has there been any news about August?"

Grey looks up. "Mom's in the kitchen." That's all he says, just quietly watching.

He stared Grey. "How did you get that scratch?" he asked. "And how did I get hurt? What are you not telling me?" He came closer. "Answer me."

Grey looks down. "I fell down the stairs. You hit your head." This time it's clear he's lying.

"Yeah right. That's a scratch, not a bruise, dum-dum." he said. "And the injury I have is a scratch as well. I had an episode again didn't I?" His voice grows softer. "That explains not remembering everything, as well as the soreness in my back. I... must have been hiding under the bed..." He turned to Grey and grabbed his shoulders, growing more agitated. "How much did you see? What did I say? Answer me!"

"I was... I was there the whole time." Grey whispers."You thought he was coming to get you and freaked out. We tried to calm you but you attacked me and ran upstairs. I found you under the bed and somehow managed to calm you down until mom got home."

Dakota let go of him, slinking back. "Dog... gone it..." He let go and shoved both hands into his face, covering his eyes. "Dog gone it." He laughed weakly. "I... I didn't want anyone else to see that ever again." He kept his eyes covered. "I hate... for people to see me like that... I feel so pathetic, you know?" His voice was clear, but two wet streaks were dripping off his chin. He was smiling, but his chin was quivering.

"I'm so weak in that state, just a pitiful mess. I hurt everyone and everything around me, lost in a stupid memory." He didn't even bother to wipe his tears. "I can't be trusted around anything serious, because I'll just become a burden. I'm a burden on Mom's shoulders." He hands were crushed against his face, his hair untied and falling down across his face, sticking to one of the wet streams. "Did you know there was kids at school that would try to provoke an episode? Other ghetto kids. It was so terrible. I would wake up somewhere foreign, beaten up, tied up. They thought it was hilarious." He stayed frozen in place.

 "So... I didn't want anyone else to ever see me like that. My dumb little kid self... he trusts Mom... and August. I'm sorry... that you had to see me that way. I was such a stupid little kid." He stopped talking, but still sat curled up, his hands bunched up to his face.

Grey's expression softens, he moves to sit in front of Dakota. "Kota..." He pauses, looking at his friend. "PTSD is nothing to be ashamed of. " Grey tilts his head slightly, a habit when he's thinking. " What... What you've gone through... What we've both gone through.. Is no joke, no laughing matter. But Dakota.. That doesn't define you." 

Grey gently puts a hand on Dakota's knee. "What has happened to you doesn't dictate who you are." His voice is calm and gentle. "You aren't a burden, Dakota. I don't see you as a burden, August doesn't, Mom doesn't. To me you're a friend and a brother. " He sighs softly."There is nothing to be ashamed of. PTSD can affect anyone, in so many different ways. In some cases it's not to noticeable, in some it is. If anyone should be ashamed it's the one who put you through everything that causes it."

Dakota didn't move his hands away, but he nodded. "Mom says that to." he said. "It's hard for me to feel like it's okay to be this way. And sometimes, in my darkest thoughts..." He paused for a moment and shivered slightly, his voice lowering even more. "I deserve it." He sniffed loudly. "I deserve everything that's ever happened to me, and I tell myself I need to go back to my Dad, because I don't deserve August or Mom or happiness. I deserve all the suffering. Laura left because I deserved it. And as much as I try to fight those thoughts... it's so hard to believe that this happiness is real. I feel like if I blink, it will all slip away through my fingers... and I'll wake up in the dark, dark closet all alone again." He gasped for a breath, his chin quivering furiously, and it was obvious he was trying not to sob. 

"But... I want this happiness. I want to be part of a family. I want to be proud of who I am. I want to be free of all this guilt and pain that I feel. But every time this happens I feel like I just can't do it." His tail curled up around his shoulder, drooping. "I feel like such a failure, because I can't fight it. Because I let myself be weak again and again." He laughed again. "I mean, look at me, I'm crying right now. Like a child."

Grey shakes his head and lightly squeezes Dakota's knee. " I can't promise that the guilt will go away..." His voice is quiet so only Dakota can hear. "I can't say that the horrible dark will fade. " Grey pauses, knowing that if he continues speaking just then his voice will crack with emotion. He understands all too well what Dakota is saying. "I don't know what comes after the guilt, the pain, the dark shame. But I know one thing. They love us. They want us. That's something I know I've never had. And Dakota? As hard as it is... " Grey looks Dakota in the eye. "giving up isn't worth it. As much as it hurts.... " He stops, unable to finish that thought. "Maybe we deserve what happened. Maybe we don't deserve the love. But Kota... That's grace. Getting something we never deserved. Maybe they shouldn't love you and me... But they do. So maybe, just maybe... It worth it to try hard- if only for them."

Dakota still hid his face, but he nodded again. "Thanks." he said. Maggie peeked her head in and saw them. "Is everything okay in here?" she asked. Dakota looked up and wiped his eyes. "Yeah, Mom." he said. "Everything is fine." He smiled at her and Grey. Maggie went over and scooped them all into a warm hug. "I love my boys." she said. Dakota hugged back. "I love you too. All of you guys."