Cold Feet

Old Friends

-1-

"Seems like you're ready to drop." Kuya Loel said the moment he saw me. I settled on the passenger seat and made myself comfortable.

"Tell me more about it."

"Dine in or drive through na lang?" He asked as he maneuver out from Razon.

"Latter, I'm so tired to even lift my feet out of this car." I whined which earned a laugh from Kuya.

Buti na lang at naisipin ni Kuya na sunduin ako, coding pa naman ako today. 

It's one of those days where Coach Ramil switched into his beast mode and had us extend the training. It has been a month of being under the tutelage of Coach Ramil, pero yung katawan ko hindi pa rin nasasanay. Sabagay, I was out of the court for more than 2 years. I suffered from ACL while playing for Choco Mucho and opt to forego playing. Afterall, I found life outside playing volleyball.

But after Kianna and Momo's strong persistence to have me filled in the position that'll be left by Ate Aby's retirement, I was eventually convinced that playing was something that I can't totally leave behind.

"Here," My reverie was interrupted when a bag of food was placed on my lap. "Oo nga pala, I'll be out for a business trip. Tomorrow ang alis ko."

"Oh okay, ako na bahala sa bahay."

Mom and dad were in San Francisco, visiting our relatives. It was only Kuya who's at the house. I chose to moved out, as I work relatively far from home and also have after-work trainings in Taft. Though at times like this, I stay at our house.

"Next weekend na pala first game mo."

"Don't you dare ditch my comeback game!" I playfully hit his arm.

"Kaya nga ngayong week ang alis ko so I could free my sched for you." Kuya Loel said while beaming. "Kinakabahan ka ba?"

I stared at him for a second, "More like excited than kinakabahan."

Kuya and I talked more about work and volleyball. I barely noticed that we were already driving inside our village. Few meters before we reach the house, Kuya slowed the car. 

I look ahead and saw someone in front of our gate. Her head was down but her shoulders were rhythmically heaving, indicating that the woman is crying.

"Wait, is that-" 

My eyes almost went out of its socket and I immediately jumped out of the car.

"Jho!"

--

"I'm sorry. I couldn't reach Jia or even Deanna."

It was Jhoana who broke the silence that has been lingering between us for quite sometime. Her eyes were darted on the floor, while her hands were busy fidgeting.

We are in my room; she's sitting on my bed while I'm on the couch.

"I couldn't think of anyone else to go to. Nagbakasali lang ako." She tried to stifle her sobs but failed to.

"I'm really sorry. Nakaabala pa ako sa inyo. I promised aalis din ako bukas." 

I rose up from where I was sitting and sat beside her. I reached out her trembling hands which made her meet my gaze.

"Wala namang nagpapaalis sayo. Hindi mo rin ako naistorbo. I'm actually glad that you went here. That you considered me." I wiped away her tears and drew her closer to my chest. She automatically wrapped her hands around me.

"You could always run to me, Jho."

Having known Jhoana for a long time, I've already seen her in all colors of emotion. I was the first person whom she would always run to; be it because she's sad, happy, angry, or frustrated. I would know before anyone else does, even before she say it, I already know. It was like that for the first three years of our friendship.

I was her best friend, and she was mine. 

But as the saying goes, change happens all the time.

The friendship that I built with her, which I prayed and hoped would stand the test of time, took a different course.

Then there came a time where I no longer know little details of her day. She does not run to me anymore whenever she got something to celebrate for or something to cry for. I couldn't tell what she feels, because whenever I look at her, all I can see is the void in her eyes. The person I have come to know like the back of my hand, the one who felt like half of myself,  suddenly became a stranger to me.

And now, here we are.

"I'm sorry. Hindi ko na kasi alam. Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko. Hindi ko na alam kung saan ako pupunta." Her voice quivers at every word.

"You don't have to say anything. Hindi kita pipilitin kung hindi mo pa kayang sabihin." 

She lifted her head a bit to look at me, "Thank you, Bea."

I returned her gaze. I always think that Jhoana emulates the sun. She was bright; she was warm. But now, as I look at her tear-stained eyes, I realized that that was already a distant memory. She has become a cold color of blue.

--

Jho and I stayed in that same position until I felt her breathing turned slow and steady. Nakatulog na sa kakaiyak.

I fixed her position in my bed, removed her shoes, and cover her with my sheets. I battled with myself if I should lie down beside her or matulog na lang sa guest room or sa room nila mommy. But my instincts told me not to leave her alone.

So with a fast beating heart and a handful questions in mind, I slept the night away with Jhoana in one bed.