Errant Thoughts and Stuff I Write

Return To Innocence

The problem with me is that I know the world isn't innocent. When I was in primary school, I thought it was great that racism was dead. Now that I'm in high school, I see what they're not teaching us. I'm not sure what happened to me, and I'm not sure what to do. For most of my life I was happy. Violent and easily provoked, but happy. And then, a little while back, I fell into a pit of self-loathing and I wasn't sure how to cope. I knew everything I was going to do with my life, more or less. I had everything planned out. But it just didn't seem good enough, like it was brilliant, but it wasn't right.

I lost people because of manipulation. I was manipulative, of that there is no doubt, though, at the time, I had no idea exactly how manipulative I could actually be. I tried not to feel anything, you know. To, eh, convince people that I was heartless. I lost a lot of people because of that. Sammy, Hannah, the works. But I loved them. I still do.

Now, I've always wanted to go to London, to live there. But I also know that if I were to go, that would mean leaving home behind, and I don't think I could do that. That's why I try to bring people with me. Just a little bit of home so I'm not so lost.

I'm also struck by the realization that, someday, everyone I know will be dead, forgotten. We'll be relics of the past, just stories. I don't want to just be a story. I want to be a legend. I want us to go down in history like the badasses I know we can be. I want to be remembered.

I think I'm depressed. That's basically what I think. Also, there's tests online, and I know you shouldn't use them as diagnoses but most of the ones I've taken say so.

I manipulate people and threaten them. I'm not a good person. At all. And it's not like I'm aware that I'm doing it. I manipulate them for little things, like candy and stuff. The threats are if they hurt me or someone I care about.

Now, I've abandoned my violent ways. But that's not to say that I wouldn't defend someone if I had to. Because I would. I definitely would.

But compared to everyone else, I am certain that others are more important than me.