Femme Fatale.

Chapter Twelve.

Trigger Warning: A reference to suicide, negative self talk, descriptions of panic, and some strong language.    

You stared up at the ceiling with your hands folded on your chest, almost as if you were dead and quite honestly? You wish that you were. In moments like this your mind was always so loud, filled with thoughts. There was always an inner dialogue between you and the little voice inside your head. Right now, it was a matter of feeling guilty about how you treated Harley. You pushed your only friend away and now look at you! Absolutely pathetic. Sitting in bed crying. No wonder no one wants to be around you. You spoke aloud. "I'm not that bad of a person, am I?" If you really have to ask yourself that question, I think you already know the answer. "Mh, I guess you're right." You could feel your breath hitch and tears welling up in your eyes. This was a continuous cycle that you could not get yourself out of.

You figured that you would at least try to sit up some against your headboard. Your body was feeling stiff, heavy even. You closed your eyes briefly and tried to relieve some of the tension in your neck. When you opened your eyes again, you took notice of your record player. Music. Maybe that would keep your mind quiet.

Luckily the distance between your bed and your record player was very short. A few steps more and you would've been drained entirely. Because of that, you didn't have the energy to look through your records and pick one, so you just kept whatever was on. In this case, it was I'll Cry If I Want To. An album by Lesley Gore, which so happened to be your favorite artist.

You put the needle down and made it back into your bed. After the brief moment of static, the first track played. A classic. It's My Party. Sitting up, you managed to sing along to the words in a whispered voice.

It's my party and I'll cry if i want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to.

You would cry too if it happened to you.

Just from these few seconds of singing along, you could feel your mind beginning to ease. Until the song reached the third verse.

Judy and Johnny just walked through the door like a queen with her king.

Oh, what a birthday surprise Judy's wearing his ring.

Oh yeah, I'm sure his new girl is wearing his ring alright. She must be so sweet, beautiful and let's not forget emotionally stable!  You couldn't help but talk out loud again. "God, can you shut up?" You said through gritted teeth. Come on Y/N, you know it's true! Look at you. You're even starting to panic over it. The little voice in your head was right. Your eyes were watering, heart pounding, hands shaking, chest tightening. Something that you were all too familiar with.

All you can ever think about is him. How he used to hold you, kiss you, fuck you even and now he's now doing it with another girl. It's amazing that he even wanted to touch you. You're fucking disgusting.

"I'm fucking disgusting." You repeated the words over and over again. You wrapped your arms around yourself as the tears started to fall again without hesitation. "I'm fucking--" Before you could finish your repeated statement you heard a car horn and your name being called. "Hey Y/N!" Your attention now shot to the window as the thoughts in your head dissipated. That voice sounded all too familiar.