ThE ScArS ..

Chapter-IV "HOPE OR DESPAIR?¿"

Whenever I close my eyes...I tend to imagine those BEAUTIFULLY BEAUTIFUL moments....it makes me wonder that if that was the moment ...I seem to understand that .....
"AN UNDERSTANDING THAT WE CANNOT MAKE THINGS HAPPEN THE WAY WE WANT".....
So I take a deep sigh..and stare outside the window....the goodbyes to my loved ones make my heart scatter into pieces....yet I remember....
"IT'S NOT THE GOODBYES THAT HURT..IT'S THE FLASHBACKS THAT FOLLOWS"▫▪▫▪
.....so I keep on a smile..just to make my dad believe that I am doing fine..
After the death of my brother....I never have smiled sincerely...by being me...I put upon a mask and pretend to be alright....
You know what's even more funny that , HAPPINESS AND SADNESS..THEY ARE SAME..THEY COME AND LEAVE SOONER OR LATER...so deep down inside me I believe that this pain will be gone forever...at a certain point of time..
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"WAKE UP FAI!!"- says MOND
(The people in the Library stare at me)
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After the incident I don't really hang out with others..since they also don't give a damn...that is why I am with MOND....
We visit to different places...we share a lot of things..but still I see his sad eyes and pretty smile....
I now do understand his sad looking smile...yet I don't dare to ask the reason....
So I do believe that "SOME PEOPLE HAVE SECRETS WORTH THEIRS LIVES".....so I return back home and lay down on the sofa....
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"FAI!!FAI!!....help me..I beg you.."-my brother says me....
I again wake up feeling the guilt..eyes full of tears....
I visit my brother's room to remember his existence....and notice the dairy..."I almost forgot about it!"...I say to myself...
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(HELLO!!IT'S ME NANON..WILL WRITE ABOUT THE MOMENTS I TREASURE)-I study
Feb18;2015
" TODAY ME , MY SISTER AND MY DAD WENT TO CAMPING...WE THREE HAD LOADS OF FUN...I REMEMBER MY SISTER FALLING HER FOOD...SO WE HAD TO EAT RAMEN...THE EXPRESSION ON HER FACE WAS SO FUNNY"-I read...and smile like a fool..
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Dec21,2015
" I FEEL LONELY...I HAVE MY DAD AND MY SISTER..BUT YET..I FEEL ALONE....YESTERDAY I WENT TO MY SISTER'S ROOM TO HAVE SOME TALK..BUT SINCE SHE WAS ASLEEP..I RETURNED BACK TO MY ROOM....
I LOVE MY FAMILY...EVEN THOUGH I DON'T REMEMBER HOW MY MOM LOOKED..WHENEVER I SEE MY SISTER I FEEL HOME....I FEEL A SENSE OF RELIEF....JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT EVEN THOUGH I AM THAT BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK YOUR DIFFICULTIES...I PROMISE TO OBEY YOU BOTH"-I read
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26th may;2016
"I FEEL SUFFOCATED....I DON'T KNOW WHY..YET I FEEL LIKE I DON'T BELONG HERE..I AM JUST SAD UPON MYSELF FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO RECEIVE LOVE...I JUST COULDN'T SURVIVE LIKE THIS"-I read
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22 September,2016
"IT'S BEEN LONG SINCE I HAVEN'T WRITTEN HERE..JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT MY SEXUALITY HAVE BEEN A CONCERN TO ME..BEING A GAY ISN'T THAT EASY...I AM BULLIED BY EVERYONE...
I FEEL SORRY TOWARDS MY DAD AND SISTER FOR BEING LIKE THIS..SO I DON'T DARE TO SAY IT TO THEM.."-I read...since I randomly turn pages to study as I am not courageous enough to see it all...I understand his condition...I cry out loud and blame myself again....
(Huge thunderstorm hit the place....)
So I cry even louder....I close the note book and sleep on my bed....
Yet I visit his room and proceed to read it...which says.:.:.:.:.:..:.:.....:
March26;2017
"I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T..I JUST CAN'T...I FEEL TERRIBLE..SO I WILL END IT HERE"-as I read it...I remember the sad expression in his face at the day he died...
"SISTER AND DAD...I LOVE YOU A LOT...SO DON'T BLAME YOURSELF FOR THIS..I HAVE CHOSEN TO END MY LIFE..so YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT**!!"-I read it...I cry like a mad...I beg for forgiveness..I blame myself for not giving him time....
I realize that he was saddening day by day..even more and more...of which I was unable to do anything...
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(Zzhhhh...zzzhhh...)-my phone vibrates....
      Waking myself up from a dream...of those moments that I cherished..even though it was painful....