My story

Self love

Dear C,
You took so much energy and happiness from me. I kept up with you and tried to do my best because I just wanted peace and happiness. I thought if I gave up another part of myself that you would just let up and smile back at me. Instead you put me in a bad position and hurt me.

When we dated and times that we did not you created a name for me. "Old Pam." You associated it with an idea that I was a hoe and dirty, but all I wanted was you and to be at peace.. you cheated.. you were the hoe, but since I was a girl it fell on me. And as a Christ follower you could not stand for anybody to know your sin. You wanted to keep your image as a great follower.

On social media apps I was only allowed, yes allowed... to have selfie pictures. God forbidden I had one picture that just so happened to be a full body of me sitting, standing, or just leaning against something. I am very shy.. I've never been flashy with my body pride. Any pride or confidence I did have... he surely took it all away.

He would tell me I was a sinner and dirty for posting pictures that had my body in it. But he would be a hypocrite for following pornographic and half nude pages. I was put into a box with high standards and expectations outside of a human. I was not allowed to talk back and have opinions. God forbidden..

I remember one time I had the energy and the sight that I was not supposed to be there with him and that I was a good person that shouldn't be treated so badly.. I decided to break it off and post a picture that was innocent but it was a picture of me sitting down.. I remember my phone immediately blowing up. "Wow old Pam" "you leave me to post this for attention" "hoe"
Those nasty comments.. were not provoked.

I struggle so much with self love because of him. How can I love myself if I'm such a bad person that he says I am. Maybe I deserved all the times he pinned me against the wall and yelled in my face.. unprovoked. Maybe I deserved all the times he threw my stuff and put me out of the apartment. Or the times he rubbed in my face that he paid for a meal.

How can I be confident and happy in my own skin without feeling disgusting after everything?

Dear C,
There are so many things I wish I could say to you but you wouldn't hear it. You would just respond and redirect blame. You try your best to keep up appearances. This good Christian boy that came from nothing. When I think of what you would say about me now it feels embarrassing because I know you're lying and I know you're saying whatever you need to say to cope. To still have this bad and evil image of me. I gave you everything. I put you ahead of myself so many times without complaint and now I'm here stuck with these problems that I'm not good enough and I'm sick.

I wish you could see or just feel for one minute what you make me feel. Even with having you blocked.. I hear your voice in my head still telling me awful things and giving me looks like I'm stupid... you never loved me or supported me. But I was a great accessory for you.. that's why you chose to keep me around. An accessory you could manipulate.