My story

Beginning & End

It's 6:30am and I really can not get back to sleep.
I keep reliving or just having very clear flash backs. Specially on the day that I got back to school this year and it was really the first time seeing you after you cheated on me so much.. yeah you visited for like a day at my hometown to convince me if we just swapped social media's then everything would be okay..
but this day.. you did not take no for an answer. I'll always remember this. You came to my apartment and I gave up and I said ok. I let you come in and we hugged and cuddled. It felt good and bad to be in your arms. Loved you so much but I saw a different side of you. One I knew was there all along but wanted to ignore, but I couldn't anymore.

You thought if we had sex that it would make everything better and build a connection. Your specific words were, "I want to feel close to you." Even with me saying I don't want to or I don't think it's good for me. You kept pushing til eventually I gave in. I don't know why but I've noticed with my other female friends that at some point we realize we don't have a voice and we give in. I remember staring off into space blank then realizing I can't do that and I have to put on a show of enjoyment to avoid problems..
I've never told anyone that. It just feels so intense.

The last day I saw you before corona you were banging on my apartment door wanting to see me and convince me to be with you again. But I wouldn't let you in. I was half naked just out of the shower but you pushed your way in and grabbed me. You thought by having your hands on me it would calm me down. I just remember begging you to leave and saying after everything you put me through.. and it's been days since you've talked to me why are you here now..

Something that kills me and kind of just haunts me is how you left. You decided to leave and your facial expression dropped like it was just a game or a play.

Eventually you dropped off the blanket and the items that I bought you.. but you still wear my oversized hoodie "2017 senior." Does it give you some type of comfort? You have so many other clothes. Is it like a token?