Thomas Sanders Sides OneShots 5

I'm not myself - Remus & Patton

12:58am

Ventficventficventficventfic

Trigger warning: self-deprecation, bad parents, break down, blood

Au
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Remus breathed heavily. He didn't really know why, he hadn't ran, or committed any exercise. Maybe it was his emotions. Rage curling inside of him like a stressed python, looking for an escape. Remus didn't want it to escape, he was better at bottling his emotions, he didn't like how he acted when he was mad - but he couldn't help it. Not now, it always reached a point where it was too much.

He silently stared at himself in his mirror, sitting tense on his carpeted floor, hands clenching and unclenching as a way to let out stress - it wasn't working.

He wanted to break something, anything, but for a moment those thoughts faded from his mind when he finally focused on his face. His face that also belonged to his twin brother Roman - yet looked much better on him. He could keep up his sharp jaw line, while Remus' has gotten round. He could keep up a honey-glow in his full cheeks while Remus' were sickly pale and flat. Roman could do everything that Remus couldn't, and everything Remus could do Roman could do much better. Roman tells him it doesn't matter, it shouldn't matter, but that didn't cure shit. That didn't prevent his self-loathing, his pure contempt for his entire being.

His tall, lanky body. His 'scary' dark eyes, his hair that was somehow never cut right! Why was Roman, someone he's the closest to genetically, looks so perfect while he was the forgotten, left-in-the-womb-to-overcook sack of shit!?

What did he do to get so lucky?

"Why do you look like that?" He whispered softly, yet his eyes hardened. "Why?" He repeated, shuffling closer to his mirror. "Why? Why? Why? WHY?" He cried, slamming his hands on the ground before him, taking in sharp gulps of air as his eyes began to sting. "Stop looking like that" he hissed, "just-stop!" He continued to beg, but no matter how much he'd wail, sob, plead, he wouldn't change. He'd still be the ugly duckling of the family, the family of perfection.

A piercing crack bounced off his bedroom walls, shards of glass falling on top of him, crashing to the ground with heavy thuds and concerning cracks. He didn't move for a moment, just eat his eyes flicker from each piece, able to see his reflection over and over and over.

A sob ripped his throat and forcefully pushed passed his lips, he didn't hear it though - or the ones after that. It became a mirage of sobs, pitiful whines and whimpers, hands clawing at his scalp as he curled in on himself, trickles of blood pouring down his arm from his knuckles on the hand he used to break the horrid image. Then... he screamed. Screamed so loud his ears rang. But to him it was muffled, like he was a few rooms over, listening to the break down of someone else. Of a stranger. Of someone... he didn't know.

Someone that wasn't himself.

It was lucky he was home alone, he wouldn't want his parents to yell at their mistake to shut up. They only wanted one child and Roman was that child- Remus knew that, understood that, accepted that. But did that mean it hurt any less? No. Not at all. Every time he was reminded he could feel a cold, blunt knife stabbing through his chest directly into his heart, where it would twist and twist, in circles, like it was blending up the organ which was only held together by a few bandages.

He didn't know who or what was so determined to break him but he knew they succeeded.

"Ah-...mm" Remus whimpered, "why-?... It hurts" he moaned out weakly, hands falling limp to his sides, his head burning where he clawed the skin and tugged the strands. He sniffled and cried, grabbing a random piece of glass and flinging it across the wall, hearing the satisfying crash of it breaking into even smaller pieces. He yanked another from the ground and threw that one too, grabbing another and another, they flew through the air without mercy and Remus only stopped when he had no glass left.