dumb

♡DROWNING ♡

June 15th, 1989
Maggie cannot wrap her warped mind around the fact that she is being forced out into the grim outside world. The tiny apartment seems to be the only safe space this cruel world offers to her, but everything is being ripped apart and ravaged all of a sudden.

That's what Maggie claims, at least.

She dressed in black pants and a collared blue sweater. She applies a light amount of makeup as well. This is her attempt to look like a woman of stability, a woman of balance,

A woman of sanity.

Maggie stares blankly at her own reflection. The woman staring back at her is fraudulent, untrue and impure. A numb, dissociative shell cloaked in the illusion of a sound, pleasant person. The deceit never fails to nauseate her.

"You ready?" Jenny chirps, sing song voice dripping like a sickly sweet honey and sticking to Maggie's skin. She nods, switching off the light and scooping up her purse.

She follows Jenny into the living room. Cleo sits on the couch, absentmindedly picking at her nails. "We're ready," Jenny announces, causing Cleo to look up suddenly. "Alright, lets go." She grabs the keys off the table and follows the two other women out of the apartment.

Darkness consumes the sky. Small, shiny stars provide the slightest bit of illumination. The three descend down the steps and walk into the parking lot. They pile into the black sedan.

Cleo and Jenny sit in the front. Maggie slides into the backseat. The two women in the front seem to glow that night, youthful excitement oozing from every pore of their bodies. Maggie's guilt intensifies.

Cleo starts the car and pulls out of the parking lot. The drive is going to be a long one, almost an hour and thirty minutes. Maggie leans her head against the cool, sleek glass of the window, shutting her eyes and crossing her arms over her chest. She is too anxious to sleep, but that doesn't stop her from trying.

Madonna plays softly on the radio. The synth sounds do not lull her to sleep. She remains wide awake unfortunately. Cleo and Jenny chat loudly up front. "Are you ok Maggie?" Jenny asks, turning around to look at her friend. Maggie opens her eyes and forces a smile, nodding. "Just a bit tired, that's all."

Jenny is not convinced, but decides the car is not the best place to confront her.

So she smiles sweetly back at Maggie. "Are you excited to see Kurt?" Cleo teases, raising an eyebrow. Maggie rolls her eyes. "No," she mumbles, making Jenny and Cleo glance at her knowingly. Maggie isn't lying this time.

She imagines what a disappointment she'll be, not the party favor Kurt expects. The thought makes her skin crawl and a sense of repulsiveness cages her. Shame is a disease.

Maggie shuts her eyes once again in a pitiful attempt to silence the many voices in her head. They scream and belittle her, fighting for her attention before they all jumble together in their commotion, becoming a dull thud that never seems to fizzle out.

For the rest of the lengthy car ride, Maggie remains motionless yet wide awake in the backseat, while Cleo and Jenny talk and laugh, joyous voice increasingly loud.

Maggie doesn't mind. She can't hear a thing as her heart pounds violently, feeling as if it was trying to claw its way out of the confines of her rig cage. Cleo parks the car on the curb. Her and Jenny eagerly get out of the car. Maggie shakily opens her door and drags herself towards the sidewalk.

Each step feels so heavy, so forced. Her body shakes like a leaf as she trudges beneath the orange glare of the street lamps. The harsh voice in the depths of her mind berates her quietly, cursing her with coldness as she inches closer towards the venue.