The Thing About Us.

The Thing About Changes

     "You have changed recently,"

     "You used to be more patient in the past, you know?"

     Fuck it.

     "Kids these days really don't know how to joke around, huh?"

     Shut up, your sense of joke sucks.

     "She always talks back to me, you know? I don't remember raising a daughter like this!"

     UGH! 

     ...

     I woke up. My phone's vibration woke me up from my nap. The dream wasn't the greatest one I had anyway, so I guess this is a blessing in disguise? The apartment is empty, my parents are out. Squinting my eyes, I check the notifications.

     'Are you not coming to the party?'

     It's a message from Cousin Em. True, it's today. I position my pillows so that I can lay my back on them, making sure I am comfortable before typing my replies.

     'No, I am sick'

     I lied.

     To be honest, I have never lied to run away from something, as far as I can remember. But who cares, I bet Cousin Em can only handle this stupid party because her fiance is with her. She is a year younger than me, and always wear better stuff. And now she has a partner before I have one. I am not jealous, it's just, after 5 days of working for me to have an enjoyable weekend, I can do without the teasing from the uncles and aunts, thank you. 

     Anyway, who wants to go to a party where the physical aspects are judged, the relationship status is questioned, as if those two are the only things in this world that can make a person great anyway? Some of the aunts preached that this party is about unity of the siblings and relatives, because family is stronger when they stick together; but isn't it obvious that this party is about who are wearing the best attires and bringing the best handbags so that they can show how classy they are and smile smugly as the less classy ones are being compared to them? Isn't the family party just a mainstream society crammed into one room?

    'You sure you are not skipping this party because of me?'

      I sigh.

    'Partly, I guess, but it's not your fault. Everything has just been annoying these days'

     Yes. Everything. 

     For once, and for the first time in my more than 20 years of life, I stand up for myself. I let go of people who drain me. I stop being a people pleaser for once. And what do I get? 

     What I get are friends from church's judgments because I am not as saintly as before, because I don't let this guy touch my shoulders whenever he pleases; or my parents' laments of their disappointments in me for being rebellious and arrogant, since I decide what I want to do for myself instead of just following what they say.

     What I get are offended relatives, since I don't find them calling me fat as funny as before.

     And the worst things are the guilt for not being the likable person I once was; the confusion about whether or not this is the right thing since if this is the right thing, then why is everyone mad at me; and--

     'Don't forget to eat dinner and do something nice for yourself, man. The food here is nice, but it's sucky as well since the uncles just can't stop commenting. It's annoying!'

     Do something nice for myself, huh? Cousin Em's text woke me up from my nap, and now it wakes my soul up. I have been so worried about what other people think of my thing--my changes, that I often forget my main mission: to be kinder to myself. No one is free from their fussy mouths anyway.

      I jump off my bed, change my clothes, and saunter to the mall downstairs.

     For once, and for the first time in my more than 20 years of life, I feel lighter. Skipping this party filled with toxic people is just one of my first steps, and I can think of the other steps while I enjoy my calm weekend. Screw what other people say.