The Thing About Us.

The Thing About Self-Introspection

     I woke up to the loud knocking on my room door. I squint and failingly try to check the time from the clock across my bed, it might be... 10? I hear whining sounds from the door. I get up to fetch my glasses, wiping it with my T-shirt, put it on and check the time again. Yup, it's 10 AM. I guess I overslept again, today. I walk to my room door while the loud knocking ensues--now more like anyone who is knocking it might use a hammer or something, and open it with one abrupt movement; that someone behind the door staggers forward. And quickly moves forward to hug my legs.

     "I didn't mean to wake you up," Mum appears from behind the door. I guess she is the one who helped this little girl go upstairs. "She really wanted to climb up here,"

    "Oh, well, it's getting late anyway," I reply.

     I stare down at the little person with her Bibendum-like arms enveloping my knees, scared to walk lest she falls. I reach down and rub her back, to return her hug. She looks up and grins, her cheeks spring like a freshly baked choux pastry. I return her smile, because, who can resist that little smile? She releases her hug and runs straight to my queen-sized bed which is short enough for her to climb on, and quickly sits on my pillow, staring at the hairy duck plushies I put beside my pillow. Following her, I return to my bed and cuddle her, who is now wailing so I will let go. As usual, even the length of the hug must be up to her. I chuckle and waves the plushy duck's wing, making it seem like it is saying hello to her, which makes her squeeze the duck so hard.

     "So, I am going to leave her here, okay?" Mum says, her feet are directed to the door. 

     "What? But it's weekend," I exclaim. "It's supposed to be your time,"

     "Yeah, but let's take turns. I took care of her for an hour already, now it's your turn," she answers giddily, while leaving my room, going straight downstairs.

     I shout, "But all these times I have been babysitting her for more than an hour!"

     Her voice is dampened by the door, but I can still hear how she tells my sister what I shouted while laughing. I sigh hard. Sis and her daughter has been staying in our house for a month because of the lockdown. Her husband is in another country for work, so here she is. They can't depart to the country my brother in law is at until the pandemic actually ends.

     "It's not like I hate hanging out with you, you know?" I say to my niece, while brushing her stray hair away from her forehead with my fingers. 

     "I bet, later, if you cry when she tries to pick you up, she will be upset because you don't care about your grandmother, hm?" She tries to do the same thing to me--brushing away my overly grown fringe, but she ends up smacking my face instead.

     Sometimes, I wonder if she actually understands me. She is just 1 and a half year old, passionately smearing her face on my plush toys. I guess she likes the feeling of fur on her face. 

     I make sure my niece stays on the middle of the bed, and go to the bathroom to wash my face, then I walk to my vanity table to put moisturizers on my face. From the reflection of the vanity table's mirror, I can see my niece observing me while mimicking my hand gesture. She chuckles when she notices me watching her, while still applying the imaginary lotion on her face and neck. Super cute. After I am done, I guide her to take her sippy cup, and hold her hand as she toddles down the stairs with me, to Sis's room. 

     "Oh, coming back so soon?" Sister says in a playful tone to my niece, still lying down.

     "It's better for me to accompany her here since she has her toys,"

     "Sure," she says, while rolling to the side, "I am just super stressed today, I really need a break, you know?"

     "Well, what can we do? It's safer to stay at home," I say, while the toddler is arranging her blocks with her little Bibendum hands. I chuckle a bit, remembering how my coworkers often calls her 'chonky'. She IS chonky, for sure. Sister stays quiet, tapping randomly on her phone screen. 

     "I am just confused," 

      Now, my niece turns from her blocks to her books. She sits on my lap with her full force, as if gravity is not enough. I pause a bit  before continuing, as the air escapes my lungs. 

     "Why is Mum so bothered about how niece isn't close to her, when she doesn't even want to actually hang with my niece? Why does it seem like, it's my niece obligation to love her when she's never even around for her? It's like, even when niece is in her room, she just watches TV as niece tears her room down, you know,"

    "Well, that's just the way she is. What can we do?" Sister replies lazily.

    "Isn't it ridiculous? Just like how she wants me to open up when she chased me away everytime the younger me tried to talk about her day-- doooog," I point at the cartoon-y dog my niece is pointing at on her book, knowing full well that if I ignore her, she will scream. "That's a dooooog,"

     "You should let it go. It's in the past, and now it stresses you out, no?" 

     "I know, I know it's in the past. I just find it ridiculous about how she is going to repeat the same errors, and expect us--young generations to be the accomodating one, since again--we have it way better than them. You know, some of the forums call her behavior as narcissistic,"

     "It's not narcissistic in Asian culture. We call her.. maybe... helicopter parent? Since she wants to know everything about us, and sometimes, wants to control?"

     "Well, narcissistic parent by itself has a lot of types, you know. And I guess, her case is quite acute, but somehow, once one mentions that they have an Asian background, it becomes acceptable, it's so unfair,"

    "It is what it is," she replies, and position her pillows for her to lay her back, "And I bet you are not the only one who feels this way, but in the end, we can never expect anyone to change or introspect themselves the way we do,"

     I hate to admit it, but she is right. But is this it? So I just need to accept it? Will Sis become just like Mum in the future? Imagining it makes me shudder. I read somewhere that the way people behave mostly influenced by how they were raised. So maybe, Mum went through this as well. But doesn't that mean I might be this kind of parent in the future; the one who just cares about being respected, who demands it, without showing respect? Won't this pattern be a cycle, through generations?

     "It's our responsibility to not be the people we don't want to be. Maybe she feels like she is okay the way she is right now. If that's not okay with you, just change yourself. Life is already hard, don't think so much, Sis," My sister broke my train of thoughts. 

    "I know," I answer sheepishly.

    I guess I still have a lot of growing up to do.