PROJECT NIRVANA | ONC2020 ✔️

Chapter 15.

Had I used Avron as an excuse to come back to Nirvana? It was true that I wanted to be with him but it was also true that I wanted to escape the real world due to my mother's death.

I didn't want to deal with the pain left behind, the foggy smoke after the fire. But it felt as if I had left her behind, even though she was dead. It was as if I had abandoned her in a past that I no longer wanted to return to.

I'm not sure whether I believe that ghosts are real, but if they were, she must be feeling so lonely right now.

The guilt ate at me despite my efforts to reason with myself. I hadn't abandoned my mother. She had already died before I entered Nirvana. This world was just a coping mechanism. Just because I lived here and enjoyed it didn't mean that I had forgotten her or left her behind. I was just trying to save myself.

"Honestly," said Avron, as we sat at breakfast. "I'm not sure how to feel about our relationship anymore."

"What do you mean?" I asked, my heart suddenly beginning to beat really fast.

"Everything feels wrong now," he said. "As if we're pretending that nothing ever happened. It makes me feel more terrible. Like I've sinned and I'm hiding it."

"But it's not your fault," I said.

"It just angers me that you're suffering because of what my mother did," he continued. "I hate the fact that you'll probably think about that incident every time you see me."

"But even if your mother hadn't killed my dad, the affair was something they both took part in. So, they're the only ones who should be blamed."

"But even if we believe that," said Avron. "We'll still be uncomfortable with each other."

"We'll be fine," I said, although I wasn't sure whether those words were quite true. "With time, we'll get through it."

But the truth was that I felt like a hypocrite. Giving him this preppy pep talk, when inside, I felt empty. It was as if I was trying to speak positivity into existence, despite having little of it to fuel my own motivation.

"But I can't ignore this feeling..." he said.

"I thought you wanted us to work out our relationship?" I asked. "Was that all a lie?"

"It wasn't a lie," Avron said indignantly. "I was confident at that time...but now it just feels weird. Being in Nirvana makes it feel as if everything is being covered up which in turn makes me feel more guilty."

"But I already told you that you don't have to feel guilty."

"I don't want to feel guilty either," Avron said. "But that's just how it is."

"How do you expect me to respond to that?" I asked, trying to keep the anger out of my voice. "It's either we work things out or we don't. We either stay together or we crumble. Which one of these do you want?"

"I don't want to hurt you..." he said, his voice growing softer.

In under two seconds, I was already regretting asking him that question. "You know what? Don't say anything," I said. "I'm not looking forward to more bad news."

This was the epitome of cowardice. The opposite of what I aspired to be. I loved Avron and I didn't want our relationship to end no matter how painful it might be but what if the guilt was too much for him? If he buckled under its weight, did that mean he didn't love me, or was that just a childish thought?

I also hated how he didn't want to 'hurt' me. Leaving me, would result in the most hurt. Was he being considerate, or was he just looking for a way out? It would be easier to date someone you didn't share a bad history with.

You could cry about normal things, you could share stories about normal things, and you could be happy about normal things. And these were all of the things he couldn't do with me.

I had to admit that I was scared that if I pushed things too far, we would break. This probably wasn't healthy, but my fear of losing him eclipsed everything else.           

I took that moment to look up at Avron, but he sighed, glancing away from me.

For the rest of the meal, we ate in silence, picking at our omelets with our forks.