A Burnt Flower's Ashes

Chapter Nineteen

Perhaps he couldn't stand being with me anymore. Sir Hana must've lost the final straw of his patience and understanding to me. The idea gripped my heart and squeezed it hard.

Bakit kami humantong sa ganito?

I opened the window of my room to get some fresh air. My eyes darted on the skies fading from black to bruised purple, and the beauty of it just helped me quash all the remnants of sleep that I had.

Even the horizon reminds me of him.

To think that it's my birthday and here I am, wallowing in regret of what I could've done to prevent all of this.

Hindi ko alam. Wala naman akong ginawang masama, pero bakit umabot kami sa puntong 'to? I made a decision using all the sense of logic and reasoning in my head. I told him that it was impossible to keep my distance from Uriel because he's a good friend of mine.

I thought that it was the most logical response to such an unreasonable request.

Pero, bakit hindi ako masaya?

The gods above must've known my dilemma. During these times when I'm doubting myself and my decisions in life, I needed my mother the most. And then she called, miraculously.

"Mama," My voice came out a bit shaky due to my excitement. "You finally called!"

She laughed from the other line. "How could I not call? It's your birthday. Dalaga ka na."

For a moment, I was at a loss. Simply hearing her voice washed all my anxiety away. She is the only person in the world who makes me feel like this. My mother is my driving force, my motivation, because I know that she's out there doing her best to give me the best as well.

"Happy birthday, Suna. Pasensya ka na kung wala ako diyan para mag-celebrate kasama mo. Konting tiis na lang, anak. Konti na lang."

I bit my lower lip to suppress my sobs.

"Salamat po, Mama." My eyes began rimming with tears. "Kumusta ka po? Kumakain ka po ba diyan nang maayos? I miss you so much."

She heaved out a deep sigh. "Oh, my baby girl. It must be tough living there alone. Don't cry. Sana maintindihan mong kailangan kong magtrabaho para sayo."

"Hmm. These are tears of joy, Mama. Masaya lang po talaga ako tuwing nakakausap kita."

I never questioned my life no matter how hard it was. There were times when the pain and exhaustion was unbearable, but I never complained. Sa tuwing nakakaramdam ako ng pagod, iniisip ko na lang na baka mas nahihirapan pa si Mama sa ibang bansa.

Sometimes, I feel as though I was born to endure things alone, and that's when the loneliness becomes victorious over my optimism. Minsan pakiramdam ko talaga, mag-isa lang ako sa mundong ito.

Pero sa tuwing naririnig ko ang malambing na boses ng aking ina at sa tuwing naaalala ko ang matamis niyang ngiti, nawawala lahat ng lungkot at pagod na nararamdaman ko.

Isn't she the best? There's no one in this world like her. She's the woman of my life, and I can't imagine myself without her.

"Mama?"

My lips dithered. I really need her right now.

"Hmm?"

"How do we know whether we made the right choice or not?" lakas-loob kong tanong.

Silence.

A couple of seconds passed, but I heard nothing from the other line. It felt as if my mother was taken aback by my question and got lost in her own cogitation.