Addict

Its A Hell Of A Feeling Though

I groaned as I slowly came into consciousness , trying desperately not to acknowledge the hard stare I could feel pressing into me. After a few seconds , it was obvious my short moments of peace were over.

The words of the note then sprang to the front of my mind as if they were on some kind of mental billboard.

"We need to talk.
                      ~ Storm"

I did find it quite ludicrous that four little words could have had such an impact on me , but it was obvious that I had to accept the fact they had. And now I had to face the meaning behind them. Have the conversation I swore to myself would never take place.

Gradually, head pounding , I sat up. Only to flinch at the cold , piercing gaze I was met with.

"Wakey wakey , eggs and fucking liars bakey" she spat.

I cringed visibly as I pushed my hair from my eyes. I was not going to cower away from this , it was too late to try and lie. I just had to face the situation head on.

"Storm , I can't say I'm sorry for not telling you because I'm not."

Her eyebrows creased and her nose flared in fury. She opened her mouth to speak but I quickly cut her off.

"But that's not because I don't trust you. In fact it's quite the opposite. I didn't tell you BECAUSE I trust you. BECAUSE I care about you and I didn't want to put you in danger. I would do anything to keep you out of harms way and that includes a few white lies"

"I wouldn't class this as a few white lies Violet."

I flinched agian as she used my full name.

"In fact I wouldn't even class this as a normal lie. I didn't think anyone could keep this much of their life secret! It's not normal! I'm you're best friend and I have been for years. You should have known I would want to help. My parents died too in case you've forgotten! You're not the only one with fucking angst!"

"Storm you don't get it. What I'm doing is not only illegal but extremely dangerous. I think this could be more than I ever assumed. My parents were part of something bigger. Bigger than us , than themselves , than their murder. There was a REASON they died. It was not just bad luck ; a break in gone wrong. This was PLANNED storm. I know it."

"You want to kill them don't you..."

She flopped onto the couch as if in a daze , before looking up at me with wide eyes. I couldn't lie to her anymore. I forced myself to look at her straight on.

"Yes. Yes I do."

Silence filled the room. A type of silence that had never been found in our flat. The type of silence that would linger in a dark church , forcing you to converse with your thoughts.

Slowly Storm stood up. We didn't make eye contact. She wandered over to the kitchen and started to fix herself a sandwich as I stared on in bewilderment. When it was finished she came and hesitantly placed herself next to me , offering me half of it. I took it without a word , wondering what she could possibly be thinking in this moment. Did she think I was a monster? If so why had she just done such a gesture? Why was she still allowing herself to be close to me?

As I ate , everything mouthful I swallowed thundered in my ears. The noise amplified the duvet of quite surrounding it. Slowly I became paranoid that it was TOO loud. That maybe that ONE swallow would be the last straw for storm. Not only was I planning murder but I also swallowed too loud. It's strange how the most trivial things can fill you with such intense paranoia in moments like these. I believe that your mind is so desperate to distract yourself from the bigger picture that it focuses on something different. Like , for example , have you ever hurt yourself and someone punched you and told you to "focus on that pain instead"? It didn't really help , did it? Well in this situation my brain was the rather violent friend, giving me something insignificant to pour all my stress into instead.

Next to me I heard storm finish up her sandwich , licking her fingers for extra flourish just as I had done much earlier.

"I want to help."

Shock flooded me. Of course she couldn't help , there was no doubt in my mind about that, but the fact that she WANTED to was a whole different matter. A variable that I hadn't prepared for. She didn't see things in black and white as I did. She weighed up morals and thought with emotion. Which means in her eyes , what I was planning to do must be right? Maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought. But she could not help. I would not have her mixed up in this. She had a heart and a future. I only had one of those qualities at most , not that it even mattered to me.

"No."

"I knew you'd say that but why should you do this but I can't. What makes you any more capable?"

"It's not to do with who's capable! It's to do with the fact that it's extremely dangerous and I don't want you to get hurt!"

"Oh and you think I don't feel the same about you? I CARE Vee!"

These words hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew I should never have let anyone in. I hated the fact she cared. It's brought me such a feeling of disgust. I wasn't a person who should be cared for. A person who should be loved. I knew I had darkness in me and I couldn't have it hurting storm. On the other hand however I was backed in to a corner. I hardly had a choice.

"You help me plan but I refuse point blank to let you come with me."

"Deal."

She stuck out her hand for me to shake with a smile as if this conversation was more than over.

I shook hesitantly. I was going to regret this.