Moose-Feet Tall

A Latent World

Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD as we like to call it, is a disease, a mental disease that may affect how you feel about yourself and others- as her psychiatrist spoke Mareike's mind drifted away, she couldn't hear anything anymore but the pounding of her heart. Mareike was never afraid of anything or anyone, no; her deep blue eyes weren't compared to a blue monarch flying gently through the air, it was more of a raging ocean kind of blue that reminded everyone who ever looked in her eyes that if she was mistreated or taken advantage of, she- like the sea- would rip apart every last bit of what may be in the way. She wasn't mean or wicked-minded but she did not particularly care much about other people and in her own words, she was a bit of a maverick.Do you understand, Mareike?- she got brought back to reality as soon as her doctor's husky and soaring voice, a voice that she would learn to love and hate as the years went by.'I'm sorry?- She utteredYou deaf or what?- her dad shouted angrily as ever.Mareike tells me she and her mother have awful times around him given that he's very violent and ill-tempered towards them. She's not sure why though and neither am I but word is he almost killed her wife once, however that's another story.I was telling you Mareike that it's probable that you suffer from BPD- the doctor started overOh, no, I got that- she interrupted- so what's next, doc?- Mareike hurried her psychiatrist to get out of there as quickly as possible. Dealing with her dad was bad enough at home, but in the streets was even worse, and she wasn't even a bit fond of hanging out with her old man at that said time.What the lovely, blonde, German girl did not know was that her life was about to get a whole lot harder and she would need to count her father in whatever it was about to happen whether she liked it or not.Many years had passed by from when the blonde girl first discovered she was a BPD patient, from when her life turned upside down; she did not know who she was anymore let alone how to cope with her feelings, and some days all she would want was not to feel and not to be- and at last, not to breathe. Mareike belongs to a singular world most of us don't and will never know, she belongs to the unknown, and by unknown I don't mean just for you and me- in reality, not even her, not even Dr-whatever-his-name-was knew what she went, was going, or will go through. I have never fully understood her and why she thought the things she thought, however, how could I? Not only our cultures are an ocean apart but also she has a burden that I don't. She lives in a world of her own, a world within a world, and gladly enough she let me in for a couple of months. Two months that hurt like hell.I learned some things with her, more than I can thank her for. The countless cold days we've been through taught me that I can't always have my way; the person she was taught me that I'm very different from so many people and that's both scary and thrilling. Her mental diseases showed me a different world, hell I didn't even know BPD was a thing before her. Thinking of Mareike makes me realize how fragile I am, she has all this weight on her back and she never falls back, she always keeps on going even after everything that has happened, after me, after having an abusive relationship with a wannabe rapist from England, after her loved mom died, and even after she had to stay with her sorry excuse for dad mourning over her late mother. Mareike is the epitome of a strong woman and ill or not, having broken my heart or not, she was, she is, and she will ever be one, my favourite heroes. Up and beyond, Mareike. It's your time to shine.