the chronicle of queer kids

don't wake me (pre & post canon)

tw: paranoia, anxiety, deadnaming, panic attack

You came to me

In a seamless sleep

And slipped right in

Behind my eyes

On the back of my mind

"Are you getting in or what?" a small smile splits Evan's face at the words. The feeling of normalcy sunk into him, and he found he couldn't be more thankful for it. Everything had been more stressful than usual lately. Mostly with it being the end of the semester and college finals. But, even with that, Evan could feel an extra weight on his shoulders.

There was also a scratch in the back of his head that he couldn't itch, a feeling more akin to a sort of deja vu. There was something wrong about this, about what was happening.

But Evan still sinks into the passenger seat of Jared's old van after letting Luna jump in the back, a vehicle he'd had for five years now, he turns up the radio as Jared smiles at him he laughs at whatever stupid joke Jared tells that day. He's normal.

The dorm is unusually quiet when they walk in, almost as if it were some kind of break, which he supposes could be due to people getting in some panicked studying. The sound of their laughter echoes down the halls, Luna's tail almost creates an echo of its own, thumping against his leg. The tides rise in a wave of sudden paranoia, except it was gone just as it had come, leaving Evan confused.

Two figures stood at the end of the hall on their floor, having a hushed conversation. They both fell quiet, glancing back when the two of them got close. Evan could feel a sort of unrealness to them, but he ultimately shook it off. Luna let out a small whine.

"That was-was weird," he mumbles to himself. Jared turns to him after unlocking the door.

"What was?" Evan glances back, and the two girls are talking again. Jared follows his eyes, arching an eyebrow when they connect. "They seem fine to me." Evan lets out a breath, walking in and setting his bag on the floor before kneeling to take Luna's vest off.

"I-I don't know what-I don't know what it was." Evan's own eyebrows furrow, trying to think of a way to accurately describe the feeling. But in the end, he waves it off. "It's nothing."

"Are you sure?" Even if Jared hadn't sounded as concerned as he did, Evan still would have felt guilty. Evan nods anyway.

"So, we still up for studying?" Jared made a psh sound while heading towards the kitchen.

"Why would I do that when we could do something else?" He grabs a water bottle from the fridge and lazily points towards Evan with it. He wiggles his eyebrows a bit, and Evan can feel his face warm at the suggestion, but he rolls his eyes.

"You know we can't- we can't pull the- the same shit we did in- in high school," Evan says, frowning. Jared takes a sip from the bottle, almost seeming like he's contemplating Evan's words.

"Fine," he says, coming to a conclusion. "Every right answer means an extra minute of cuddling." Evan lets out a surprised chuckle. It was a weird request, but it wasn't uncommon, Jared was a very tactile person when it came to affection.

Also, Evan was a sucker for cuddling himself, so that choice was easy.

"Alright, deal."

We swam a sea

Of pretty sights and chandelier skies

I swore I could feel you breathe

It was all so real to me.

He wakes up to warm breathing on his neck, which brings up the thought that they might have gotten carried away last night with their negotiation. Jared glances down at his boyfriend, who was still asleep and sees papers still scattered across the floor. But the notes weren't exactly the thing that begged to most attention, so he directed it back to Evan.

There was an unfamiliar feeling settling in, something that Jared knew wasn't good, but beyond that, there was nothing he could make of it.

And like the genius he was, he completely ignored whatever it was.

He brought his hand up and gently grabbed Evan's, playing with his fingers until his thoughts slowed, and he felt the pull of sleep again. He tried to blink it away, he wanted to stay in this moment a little longer, wanted the peacefulness it gave him, even if it was temporary.

But a few moments later, he drifted back out to the sea of unconsciousness.

The next time Jared opens his eyes, Evan is facing him, still asleep, but their fingers were now intertwined between them. There's a slight flush to Evan's face, and he has a small smile, so Jared assumes it's a good dream. If Evan was even dreaming.

A soft expression crosses Jared's face as he sets his chin on Evan's head. How had he even ended up here? With him, of all people? It was a miracle of enormous proportions.

Eventually, he loses consciousness for the second time and slips back under the darkness.

The light, it slipped through the window,

The morning ripped you away, oh.

The bed is cold when his eyes open again.

It takes a moment for him to gather his bearings, but the sinking feeling that he had brushed off swept over him again, full force.

Something is wrong.

Something is...different.

That's when it hits him.

This isn't their dorm.

He's home, with his mother, in his room, and Evan is nowhere to be found.

Don't wake me up

I am still dreaming

The storms undone

Unraveled at the seams

Don't wake me up

Death is misleading

And when I fall asleep

Sleep with a ghost

"Sarah! Don't make me come up there and get you!"

A stronger feeling of dread engulfs him, squeezing the air from his lungs. He couldn't be here, he couldn't be here with his mom, he couldn't go back to this, he couldn't-

His thoughts raced as his breathing sped up, his chest ached, and his surroundings dimmed from his vision. He couldn't deal with this. Hot tears ran down his face as he tried to wrap his head around everything-

It had to be real, it had to exist, that future couldn't be fake.

He...he...he had to be real.

I moved in the dark

The room calm and cold

The quiet hollow

I am such a haunted soul

Your ghost has gone

The bed is so cold.

He had to be...