Broken Dreams Club

Just the Beginning

People don't really understand. They say "oh, you're life isn't all that bad, especially compared to so many other people". I know, believe me, I know. But then there are all these little things that add up. That cause me anxiety. That cause me depression. That make me question my existence.

"Oh, but you're a Hufflepuff, I don't think I've ever seen you be not happy."
"There is no way you have depression, you are one of the goofiest people I know."
"Have you met yourself? That's a lie and you know it"

Yes I have met myself. I have met the dark sides of myself. I have met all the sides of myself except for self acceptance and self confidence. I have all these thoughts running through my head at every time of day.

"Are they ever going to talk to me?"
"They hate me, I know it."
"Why are they my friends? They could have someone so much better."
"I'm so annoying, they just don't care."
"They never want to do anything with me, but they will gladly go hangout with someone else, won't they?"

I know these thoughts are all just in my head. People say "it's all in your head. You do this to yourself. You can make it stop." That's a lie. If I could make it stop don't you think that I would've already?

It's all these little things that add up.
- my sisters, especially the oldest
- The way that the middle child used to treat me
- The way people treat me
- Moving around so much and always having to be the new kid
- Already not liking talking to new people but being forced to
- My parents forcing me to talk to strangers
- My dad yelling at me for something so minuscule
- All the family drama
- People act like I'm this fragile thing that will break at any second
- My mom yelling at me for not doing this one chore, but she didn't know that I was doing something else more important
- The amount of times that my dad has just called me a disappointment
- The amount of times I've felt like a disappointment
- The amount of times I've felt like a mistake
- The amount of times that I feel like I can't me myself around my family, who are the people that I should trust most

At this point, I've started crying while writing this.  It like you care. You are a stranger anyways.

"Go to therapy" they said. "Do yoga"
Yeah, and leave myself with my thoughts even more? I do go to therapy, but it doesn't really help my mental state.

You know what the worst part is? I have so much anxiety that I can't even say hi to my friends without feeling like they don't want to talk to me. Just a simple "hi". I fear that they will be like, "shut up" or "go away" or "we don't  want you here, leave"

"Leave" is the worst thing to be said to me. Which is sad, because the middle child still says it to me all the time when I'm smiling at her and just hanging out with her in her room having a good time. But then she says it and my world comes crashing back down on me.

See, I'm not wanted.
I shouldn't be here.
Why did I think it would happen this time.
I'm an idiot.

The self depreciation starts. I tell myself all these things about me. About how I see myself.
- Your sister is a model, so you are ugly because there are already two attractive people in this family, no way you are the third
- You're so dumb
- No one believes you
- No one wants you here
- What you are saying is so dumb
- Stop stuttering
- You need makeup to look pretty
- Stop acting so weird
- Stop being so annoying
- Stop being so loud

Yes, I know I'm loud, but that's me. I've accepted that I'm loud. But with all the "stops" guess what that has me saying as soon as I do one of the things I tell myself not to do.

"oh, sorry"
"My fault, sorry"
"Sorry, I'm working on it"
"Sorry"
"Sorry"
"Sorry"
"Sorry"
"Stop"

See they don't want you here. You should just leave.

"But it's just a permanent solution for a temporary mistake."
My depression and anxiety isn't temporary, it's with me for life.

Actually, my anxiety started in 2nd grade.  Now I bet you are wondering, "how can someone that young have anxiety? She has to be lying."

Well guess what? Moving around does that to you. Going into 2nd grade I kept telling myself that no one would want to talk to me. That I was just going to be the loner. That I would really have no friends.

Anxiety does that to you. Depression does that to you. Moving around does that to you. The one thing that I've really always wanted, was to have friends that I've known since kindergarten, who were my best friends. We would grow up together and know everything about each other since we've known each other for so long. That I could just be myself with my best friends.

But I'm always holding back.
I always have these nagging thoughts that they are friends with me because they feel bad for me.
That they don't really care.

And some of you will say that, yeah everyone feels that way every once and a while.
But how about every minute of every single day?
Why do you think I'm always blasting music in my ears? To try and block these thoughts with cheerful music, or music that I can dance around to.

No one will ever understand what's going on inside my head, because this isn't even half of it.

And guess what, I'm writing this at 1 in the morning because I have been left alone with my thoughts again. But before this the middle child and I were just having fun, and doing whatever. Just an hour ago. Then my dad came upstairs telling us to shut up and that he was going to leave back to Atlanta just because we are annoying. He's saying that he doesn't want to have to deal with 2 of his daughters.