Four Little Words | ONC2020

17 | blow ups and bigger things

If I were a calm, mature, emotionally-steady banana, then this would be a total rom-com moment. I'd swoon and simper and tell Trav that I could, maybe, possibly, potentially (one day down the very distant track) love him. We'd sign up for DateMate and live happily ever after (or, at the very least, happily until the end of the party).

But I'm me. A surly, fickle, prickly, little strawberry.

Granted, I've come to the realisation that maybe I need to take an emotional risk once in a while. But a single afternoon of deep and meaningful conversations with my parents does not a fully reformed commitment-phobe make.

So, I panic and I blow it all to smithereens.

"I could love you," he says.

"Don't," I reply. I'm up and off the wall so fast that I almost trip over.

"Franks," he cautions gently, looking at me like he can read every screwed-up thought that's running through my head.

"I have to go."

"Francesca, please stay," he says, reaching for me. "Talk to me. I meant what I said but it doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to."

"This was a mistake," I tell him, my voice is hard and unbending. "I'm sorry."

I sidestep his hands and watch hurt bloom.

And I run.

I spend the next forty minutes arguing with myself in Chloe Schilz's ensuite.

Do I go back and talk to him? But if I do, what am I going to say?

Do I like him?

Everyone likes him, he's a great guy.

Yes, but do you 'like' like him?

Grow up Frankie, this isn't primary school.

Don't dodge your own question Francesca!

Fine, I like him. I really, really like him. But that doesn't mean I could go out with him. I'm not relationship material.

How do you know that unless you actually have a relationship?

I don't have to hug a shark to know that I don't want to be eaten by a White Pointer.

That is a terrible analogy, Burton.

Bite me.

Bite yourself.

You can keep up this ludicrous internal monologue for as long as you like Frankie, but that won't change the fact that you have to go out there and talk to him. He's your friend, and he likes you, and you just treated him like shit. If nothing else, you owe him a proper apology...

My internal argument is interrupted by loud thumping on the bathroom door.

"Oi, hurry it up in there. Someone vomited in the other bathroom and I really need to break the seal."

Charming.

With little choice but to exit my hiding spot, I reluctantly go in search of Trav. He's nowhere to be found. Neither are Cassie, Chomper or Cec.

On my third circuit of the garden, I run into Amy Burgess.

"Thank God I found you," she says, without preamble. "I've been looking everywhere for you."

"You have?"

"Cass asked me to find you and tell you that they've gone to Trav's house. Trav's Dad's taken a turn for the worse – they're not sure if he's going to make it through the night."

I think I'm going to throw up.

"Frankie, are you okay, you've gone a really funny colour."

"No, I'm not," I say honestly. "I need an Uber or a taxi now."

With shaking hands, I pull my phone out of my jacket pocket and realise that I have about a million missed calls from Cass and Chomper and even a couple from Cec. There aren't any from Trav. I try not to read too much into it.

"No need for an Uber. I told Cass and the others that I'd drive you," Amy says, pulling her car keys from her bag. "January baby, remember."

Following Amy to her car, I send Cass a quick text to let her know that I'm on my way. I consider sending one to Trav but I have no idea what to say.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Amy asks.

"Yes," I tell her. On any other day I'm a vault of my own making. Tonight, I'm a perpetually leaking tap.

I tell her about messing things up with Trav and about everything else that's happened today and all the things that I really, really needed to tell my best friend two years ago but couldn't.

When I finish, she's strangely silent.

"Frankie, I've always known about your Dad's affair."

"You what?"

Amy glances at me apologetically before turning her eyes back to the road.

"When things got funny between you and me, my Mum sat me down and explained that there was a very good reason why you might be acting differently. She said you'd probably talk to me about it when you were ready. But you never did and I didn't know how to bring it up."

I sacrificed my closest friendship for a secret that was never a secret. If I was less emotionally drained or less worried about Trav right now, I'm pretty sure I'd sob. 

One day Amy and I will work through all of this properly. Today is not that day.