❝ It's hard to dream when you can't sleep and reality is a nightmare. ❞
Kaylee Thompson lost the ability to sleep the moment her twin sister died in a car crash. As their mother spirals deeper into grief and Kaylee's own grip on reality begins to sh...
The thing about pretending is that it doesn't matter how hard you try because your true nature will still get the best of you. And that was what happened that day.
Kaitlyn and I were polar opposites and the switch wasn't supposed to happen. We were better off staying on our own paths, and everything went downhill the moment we mimicked each others' actions.
We didn't get caught, but it was what made things worse.
It was our mother's routine to go buy groceries every Sunday, but that time was different because she suddenly had the idea to bring one of us to the market. She was asking for my help, only I was in Kaitlyn's clothes. To everyone, I wasn't Kaylee. I was someone else.
I remembered glancing at my sister, and just one look on her straight face already told me what she was thinking about. We made a deal not to back off no matter the situation, and there was nothing I could do but watch her take my place.
It was the calm before the storm.
From the moment they departed, I had a strong feeling that something was about to go wrong. I wanted to stop them to the point that I almost ran out and chased after the car, but I held myself back because 'Kaitlyn' would never do that.
It didn't enter my mind that my mother would end up in a hospital.
The devastation it caused was something I couldn't bring myself to forget. My heart was torn apart when Kaitlyn tried to explain what happened with trembling lips and wide eyes.
But I wouldn't blame her, not when it was an unexpected break-in held by the stray thugs who dwelled at the dark corner of town, leaving chaos in their wake.
"I-It was so loud." Kaitlyn's fingers grasped mine and her nails dug into my skin. "There was a gunshot. My life flashed before my eyes, I was s-so scared. Then the mother suddenly collapsed when they left with the money–I didn't know what to do except hold her. The whole place was a mess... everyone was panicking."
I wrapped my arms around her then, engulfing her thin frame in a tight hug. Her body racked with silent sobs, and I held her with tears on my cheeks. I hated the fact that I wasn't there for her, and it was worse knowing I was the reason she experienced it in the first place.
"I'm here, you're safe now," I had murmured into her hair, which smelled like roses. "Mother is fine, don't worry. Just close your eyes and rest, I won't leave your side."
And now, as I gazed into the bare mattress where Kaitlyn had rested on, I couldn't contain the sob that escaped my lips. Everything about the room reminded me of her; a truth I had tried not to face.
It had been too long and I couldn't hide my feelings any longer. I shut my eyes and took in a jagged breath. I miss you, Kaitlyn. Come back, I need you here. Please.
"I'm sorry." Her voice echoed in my mind, and a whimper slipped past my lips.
'Hold it together.' My mind jabbed at me, and I held in another. 'Crying won't bring her back.'
Mother came back home two days after, then things went back to as normal as it was before. No one spoke of what happened, and with time she gradually turned back into her usual self. Father busied himself with work, having stayed by her side in the hospital since then.
I had no choice but to come up with my own belief in the events that unfolded. For years I assumed that it was merely nothing, and maybe it only happened because she was exhausted and the shock was too much...
But now, the more I recalled the shattered look in her eyes and the undying guilt hidden within them, the more I wanted to convince myself this wasn't the case. That something happened before, something connected to her shock, something huge that made her become like this.
My mother was never the type to be aggressive and she only resulted in slurs and remarks. There was never a scar on my body that was caused by her, only the ones invisible to the eye.
Yet it didn't matter, for I knew she would never lay a hand on me. And the comfort it brought was enough for me to hold on throughout the years.
Until today.
Why am I doing this to myself? Why didn't I tell her the truth? How long have I been putting the feelings of others over my own?
A pang of regret hit my chest, and the thought that none of this would've happened if I didn't succumb to my father's desire was something I couldn't face. It was me who was at fault, and there was no one to blame but myself.
He said it was for mother's protection, but this was too much. She had the right to know the truth, and we were taking it away from her. Kaitlyn was her daughter, for God's sake. I couldn't do this anymore.
It didn't matter how she would react. All I knew was we went too far, and it was time to stop before we lost our way home.
For too long I had laid low and let myself be trampled, it was time I finally stood up for myself and did something about it. There was no time to cry. I knew what I needed to do.
But first, Rowan.
* * *
I ate the two remaining meals alone in my room, which both consisted of Chinese take-out spring rolls and noodles.
It vaguely reminded me of the times when we would eat our food together as a family, and now I could only wish that I treasured those moments more while they lasted.
It was Kaitlyn who made the family whole, and now that she was gone, I wouldn't consider ourselves as one anymore. We were only strangers who shared the same blood.
I lay wide awake in bed until night fell. My heart was pounding against my chest, playing a beat to the thoughts circling around my mind.
'I'm going to tell him the truth today.' My throat felt like it was closing up as I pondered on it.
It was only around Rowan that I acted like myself. His mere presence was a reminder that I wasn't Kaitlyn but Kaylee, the only hope that tugged me free from the chain around my neck.
But am I willing to let the truth possibly ruin his perception about me? Is this a bargain I want to make?
My fingers subconsciously closed around the cool pendant upon my neckline, in which I hid beneath my clothing whenever we met.
It was my scarlet letter. The symbol of shame and betrayal I had done to my own sister, and I had to live with it until this all came to an end.
And it will, I thought to myself. Soon enough. You'll finally be free.
Then with my heart on my sleeve, I left the house when the clock struck three. Only to regret it when I found the bench empty and with no sign of him anywhere.
Where do people go when you need them the most?
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