take my hand (take my whole life, too)

4. the bad thoughts are creeping in

TW for depression and suicidal thoughts

-----

age seventeen

Gray breaks down the summer after grade eleven.

It happens so gradually that it's hard to pinpoint when it all starts, but the little things build up over time until eventually everything falls apart. Food doesn't taste as good, and he starts turning down the cookies that Natsu brings when they hang out. Eventually he stops eating altogether, except for coffee and enough dry toast to keep him from passing out.

He's tired all the time and stops going to soccer practice, which gets him kicked off the team. Then he misses a few classes, and then half a semester, and then ends up in the office with Aunty Ur, trying to figure out why he hasn't been to French class since December.

Aunty Ur is patient. She tries to understand, but Gray can't explain it. Everything is too loud. Even in the quiet dark, when he sneaks out of the house and hides in their tree in the middle of the night, he can't escape it.

Worthless, it whispers. Stupid. Useless.

Something inside him is broken, and the harder he tries to hide it, the worse it gets.

The worst part is that Natsu is thriving, and Gray doesn't want to drag him down. Natsu loves school. He's gregarious; makes friends wherever he goes, knows everyone's name, high-fives people in the hallways. The teachers adore him even when he gets into trouble, and he's always smiling so wide that Gray thinks it should hurt.

Natsu is bright colors and sunshine and Gray is hard edges and stormy skies, and Gray doesn't know how to fix it.

~

It's raining when Natsu finds Gray up in the tree. When he'd gotten the call from Lyon – Gray's missing, he left a note – he'd immediately thrown on his sweater and ran out into the forest, despite the fact that it's two in the morning. His stomach hurt the entire way here, and he can almost taste the relief that floods through him when he sees Gray.

"You're gonna get hit by lightning," he says as he settles on the opposite branch. They're too big to sit side by side now and for some reason that makes Natsu's chest ache.

Gray shakes his head and picks at a loose thread on his jeans. "Go away," he says quietly.

Natsu stills. Gray's never told him to leave before. This is their place, has been for almost ten years, and Natsu's not about to go anywhere when Gray looks like he's falling apart.

"No," he says, reaching out for Gray's hand. Gray pulls away, shuffling back against the trunk of the tree and wrapping his arms around himself. He's not wearing a jacket even though the sky is black and it's pouring rain.

"Leave me alone."

"No," Natsu says again. "C'mon, talk to me. What's going on?"

Gray doesn't answer, just stares at a spot on the branch next to Natsu. The rain is coming down hard and Natsu's hair is plastered to his head, water dripping down the back of his neck. Gray is drenched – he's obviously been here for a while.

"Gray, please. What's wrong?" There's no answer other than Gray's nails digging into the skin of his forearms. "Did something happen at school?" Nothing. "I'm worried about you." Silence. The only sound is the rain pattering through the leaves of the tree and down to the forest floor.

Natsu pushes his wet hair out of his face, then shrugs off his sweater and holds it out to Gray. "Here. You're gonna freeze."

"I don't care."

"Well, I do," Natsu says stubbornly. "You're being an idiot."

"Fuck you."

The words are sharp and tear right through Natsu like bits of broken glass, and a tiny part of him wants to spit them back at Gray. Instead he shakes his head and says, "I love you."

They've said it before, a hundred times since they've met, and the words fit between them and fill the angry spaces that are tearing them apart. Gray's shoulders slump and he slowly uncrosses his arms, but he still won't look up.

Natsu sighs, shifting over on his branch so they're directly across from each other. He holds out his hand, expecting Gray to pull away again, but instead Gray reaches out slowly and takes it.

"What's goin' on?" Natsu asks gently. He sets his sweater down and lets the rain wash over both of them. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know," Gray says, voice breaking as his fingers tighten around Natsu's. "I don't—I just—" He rubs his face and stares down at his shoes. Natsu takes a second to study him – he's changed so much since they started high school. His hair is shorter now, shaved on the sides, and there's stubble on his jaw.

"Did something happen?" Natsu asks again.

Gray shakes his head. "It just... hurts."

"Where?"

"I don't know," he says again. "I don't... I can't..."

"Can't what?"

"Be like you."

Natsu takes in the dark circles under Gray's eyes and the way his nails are bitten down to bleeding. "Why would you want to be like me?" he asks gently. "What's wrong with being you?"

"You're happy," Gray says. He tries to let go of Natsu's hand, but Natsu won't let him. "I just—you have friends, and you're happy with them, and I—"

"I'm happy with you," Natsu insists. "You're my best friend."

Gray's voice is so quiet that Natsu barely hears him whisper, "Why?"

A piece of Natsu's heart breaks at the question and he feels tears join the rain on his cheeks. "Gray," he whispers. "You're my favorite person. And that doesn't change just because you're sad." He leans forward and takes Gray's other hand, squeezing tightly. "I'm worried about you."

Gray shakes his head, staring down at their joined hands. "My brain is broken," he manages. "It's wrong and I think these—these things, and I don't want to, I want to be h-happy and I just can't. Sometimes I just want to..." He curls in on himself and Natsu squeezes his hands tighter.

"I would miss you so much if you weren't here," he says roughly. "And so would a lot of people." He can feel Gray's uncertainty, but they have to start somewhere. "You're important, okay? You're in all of my favorite memories and I don't want to make new ones without you."

Gray finally looks up at him with eyes that are so full of pain, and Natsu leans forward, pulling him into an awkward hug. They barely fit up here, but they fit together, and right now, that's enough.

"C'mon," Natsu says eventually. "Come down with me. We're both gonna get sick and Aunty Ur will never let us live it down."

Gray nods against Natsu's shoulder and Natsu breathes a sigh of relief.

"I don't know how to not feel like this," Gray says quietly once they're back on the ground. Natsu pulls him into a proper hug this time and Gray clings to him, fingers tight in his damp sweater.

"I know," Natsu says softly as they stand together in the storm. "So we'll figure it out together. I promise."