take my hand (take my whole life, too)

5. i carry your heart with me

age eighteen

Natsu's right, and things do get better. The meds help, and so does therapy, and by the time they graduate, Gray's somewhere close to normal again. Aunty Ur cries at their commencement ceremony, and walking off the stage with his diploma makes Gray feel a little bit lighter.

Neither of them have dates for the formal dance so they go together, spending most of the evening sitting in the corner of the gym and laughing at everyone's dancing. Natsu sneaks in a flask of cheap vodka that they mix into their punch, and by the time they stumble out of the school and take off toward the forest, they're both comfortably tipsy.

"You'd better not let go of me," Gray says when Natsu takes his hand to pull him up. They've moved up a few feet to a new branch, where they can sit side-by-side if they're careful.

Natsu giggles, leaning against Gray's shoulder and sliding their fingers together. Even now that they're both technically adults – or will be soon, Natsu's birthday is in two weeks – they still hold hands, and it fills a place in Gray's heart that nothing else can. They only do it up here, where nobody else can see and ask questions that neither of them really have an answer to.

"Look," Natsu says, tipping his head against Gray's and pointing up above the mountains at the stars spilled across the night sky. "'s the North Star."

Gray snorts. "You ready to admit that north isn't up yet?"

"Never." Natsu's laugh fills the night air and Gray lets it wrap around him like a blanket. His heart is somewhere between content and grieving because he loves Natsu, and they only have two months left together before he leaves for college.

He sighs, kicking his feet as the tipsy feeling bubbles up and makes his cheeks flush. Natsu squeezes his hand. "What's up?"

"I'm gonna miss you," Gray says softly. "When I leave." They'd talked about going to the same school and getting an apartment together, but Gray got a scholarship for an art program in a different province. Natsu refused to let him turn it down, so now they're going to be apart for longer than they've ever been. Gray knows six hours isn't impassible, but sometimes it feels like it.

"Me too," Natsu says. He sighs, resting his head on Gray's shoulder. "It's gonna be weird without you here."

"You have Lucy," Gray says, trying to keep the tiny sliver of jealousy out of his voice. There's a small, irrational part of him that whispers, He'll forget you once you're gone, but he tries his best to ignore it.

Natsu shrugs. "Yeah," he says, "but she's not you."

The simple words fill Gray's chest with warmth, and he squeezes Natsu's hand tightly as they both lapse into a comfortable silence. Gray's gaze traces across the constellations – they've spent so many nights here that he has them memorized.

Natsu sighs happily and shuffles closer to Gray, letting go of his hand and slipping under his arm instead. He's warm and comfortable and Gray wishes they could just exist up here, in this moment, forever.

~

Saying goodbye to Natsu is almost unbearable.

"I'll call you as soon as I get there," Gray says, trying not to cry as they stand at the base of their tree. Natsu's eyes are already red and Gray knows he looks like shit too. He'd spent most of the night alternating between texting Natsu and worrying about forgetting things for the move.

"Yeah." Natsu's voice is rough. "We can—we'll talk lots." It's almost a question and Gray quickly nods.

"As soon as I get internet in the dorm we can video chat," he says, reaching out and grabbing Natsu's hand. "And we can still play Warcraft together too."

Natsu takes a deep, shaky breath and Gray realizes he's crying. "Sorry," Natsu mumbles, rubbing his face with his sleeve as his cheeks turn pink. Then he steps forward and wraps his arms around Gray's waist, pressing his face into Gray's shoulder. "'m just gonna miss you a lot."

Gray can't answer or he'll start to cry too, so he just hugs Natsu tightly. They stand like that for a long time, just the two of them and the sound of the creek, and the dappled sunlight falling through the branches of their tree.

Eventually Natsu loosens his grip on Gray's waist and Gray expects him to move away, but instead he just tips his head up and stares at Gray. The comfortable, warm sensation that's been floating through Gray suddenly coalesces in his stomach, twisting into something uncertain.

"What—"

Before he can finish his question, Natsu kisses him.

It takes a second for Gray's brain to catch up to what's happening. It's the first time anyone's ever kissed him and he's unprepared for the sensation – like falling from a high place with his eyes closed. Natsu's lips are soft against his, and his hand is bunched in Gray's sweater, and when Gray kisses back, he can't tell if he's thrilled or terrified.

And then, as suddenly as he'd leaned in, Natsu pulls away and takes a step back.

"Shit," he says, letting go of Gray's sweater. "Shit, I—fuck, I'm sorry."

Gray's too stunned to say anything, just blinks and tries to come back to himself as Natsu stares awkwardly at the ground between them. Natsu's cheeks are as pink as his hair and Gray desperately wants to keep kissing him, but he has no idea what the expression on Natsu's face means.

"Take, um—drive safe." Natsu's voice is shaky and his eyes are still red, but when he looks at Gray, he manages a smile. "Love you," he says, then turns and runs back down the path toward his house.

~

The first week of college is overwhelming, and Gray doesn't have time to think about the kiss and what it does or doesn't mean. He gets lost at least four times and goes to the wrong class once, and by the time the weekend comes around, all he wants is to run away to the tree with Natsu.

"Is that your boyfriend?" Rogue, Gray's roommate, gestures to a picture of Gray and Natsu that he'd tacked up over the desk. Gray's cheeks immediately start to burn, and he quickly shakes his head.

"No, my—he's my best friend."

Rogue raises an eyebrow at him. "You don't have to pretend to be straight," they say, gesturing vaguely to themself. As soon as Gray had moved in, Rogue had come out to him, making sure Gray was aware of both their pronouns and their boyfriend, Sting.

"No, I don't mean—I'm not," Gray stammers. "Straight, I mean."

"Obviously," Rogue says. Their eyes flick back to the photo and Gray wishes he could hide under his blanket. Erza had taken the picture last summer – it's him and Natsu sitting side by side on one of the lower branches of the tree, making faces at each other and holding hands.

"We're just friends," Gray insists, but he can tell Rogue doesn't believe him. Gray's not sure if he believes himself, either.

~

Gray waits until Rogue's gone out with Sting to call Natsu. They've been texting every day since Gray left – both avoiding any discussion of the kiss – but when Natsu's face pops up on Gray's computer screen it's so much better than words on his phone.

"Hey." Natsu's smile is wide and bright, and when Gray sees the leaves and the bright blue sky in the video behind Natsu, he wants to cry.

"It's weird being up here without you," Natsu says. "I miss you."

"I miss you too," Gray says. So much it hurts, he thinks, but he's not sure he should say it out loud.

There's a long silence where neither of them look at each other, and Gray keeps replaying the kiss over and over until he can almost feel Natsu's fingers bunched in his sweater. Part of him wants to say something, wants to ask why, but he's terrified and so far away, and he doesn't want their friendship to break.

"How's school?" Natsu asks eventually, and Gray breathes a sigh of relief. If they don't talk about it, things won't change, and Gray won't have to be alone.