And Also I'm Really Scared 「kiribaku fic with deaf Bakugou au」

Chapter Nineteen

Kirishima's POV

The morning is more awkward than imaginable. Bakugou refuses to make eye contact with me, and I refuse to go anywhere near the dude. I'm not freaking gay; I've come to that conclusion in the shower last night. Is it wrong to be gay? No. Does that mean that I'm going to hate myself even more than I did in middle school just because I might've enjoyed kissing the other, even just a little bit? Ab-so-lutely.

I feel sick whenever I stand or sit too close to the other. Which makes crafts and cabin time even more awkward than need be. We're both quiet and rarely ever look up at each other, which is when it goes way downhill for my already terrible sketch

I just want to go back to our cabin so I can resume my sad attempt at hiding in the bathroom and contemplating my feelings for Bakugou. Which are of course nonexistent. Never having existed in the first place. We're just friends and that's really all there is to say on the subject.

Lunch is obnoxious. That's the first time I've used that word in over four years and I hate it, I hate how I'm becoming so easily agitated and how much I'm resembling my middle school self and how I'm hyper-focusing on every single relationship or attachment I have ever formed.

The noise of everyone around me feels louder than normal. Its driving my head crazy. My left hand keeps hardening without my consent. I'll just be straight up chilling one moment and the next I bring my hand up to rest my face against and end up cutting my cheek because the thing is just complete rock.

I ignore Kaminari and Sero completely, which I feel very guilty about, but I really just need a break from communication. Which is really more of an excuse than an explanation, which makes me more guilty, so I'll make sure to apologize later.

I keep spacing off whilst I'm eating, and I'm not exactly trying to prevent it from happening. Letting my mind wonder around to different topics that haven't been touched in years might do me some good. But maybe not in the company of other people where I could breakdown and scare a couple of unsuspecting students at any moment.

But nonetheless, my mind searches and thinks and does uh, y'know, big brain stuff that I don't usually do a lot of. It feels good to just let my head do some underlining work while I shove fried potatoes in my mouth, though, all the thinking becomes painful after two minutes.

I've cried three times already today and the tearing up of my eyes makes me want to crawl out of my skin and just ascend to another level of humanity to where crying and being emotional isn't an option of existence.

I mean it's not like being emotional is a problem, I'm emotional all the time! And the gift of feeling emotions and having feelings and all that brainy stuff is a really beautiful thing that I can't even begin to express how amazing it is!

But once I've reach the point where I've sobbed three going on four times just because I'm having a hard time figuring out if I like my best friend romantically or because my best friend is upset with me, (I haven't decided which is the source just yet.) the whole feeling thing gets a little tiring.

After lunch, we gather in the field which is located just behind our cabins. I'm more than just tempted to abscond to the safety of our cabins bathroom and just hide there for a while. But I'm taking into consideration that I'm never going to improve as a hero if I keep avoiding practice.

We're practicing counter moves today, still sort of on the topic of blocking but we're slowly shifting into the topic of actual attacks and how to properly throw a punch. You'd be surprised how many students here don't even know how to punch without causing damage to their own body.