white sabered || kylo ren x reader

Fifteen

Jerk, twist, Oh what the-

You split your eyes open as the feeling of twitches and silenced sobs pierced the air. Your own heart was racing from waking so suddenly from your sleep.

"Kylo?"

Kylo paused, slowly turning to look up at you. You had sat up from the bed, looking down at him worried. You had come to join Kylo in bed after your own night terror. His eyes were red and swollen, his lip quivering. He was desperately trying to pull himself together to look presentable to you.

"Kylo, what's wrong?" You asked, gently pushing him on his back to fully face him.

"It's nothing. Nothing for you to concern yourself with." He whispered, voice crackling from how dry the tears made his throat.

Your shoulders drooped, but you continued to persist with your worries. "You had a nightmare, didn't you? Kylo, I come to you with my night terrors all the time. Why can't I help you with yours?" You asked, maybe this was finally your chance to see a raw side of Kylo.

He stayed silent, tears still trickling from his eyes, now down to his hairline as he laid on his back and stared up at the ceiling. He was motionless. His eyes seemed to search for the answer on the ceiling, but there was nothing. He had nothing to defend himself with for once.

"Do you want to talk about it at le- I don't want to be a monster." He suddenly whispered, catching you by surprise.

You were about to proceed with the conversation, but Kylo continued instead. "Everyone views me as some sort of heartless, cruel monster. I want them to view me that way." He explained, barely above a whisper. He turned his head to look up at you, a pleading look cast over him. "Why do I not feel that way around you? Why you out of all people?"

You were frozen in your own thoughts, you didn't know how to respond. "Kylo, what's bringing all of this up? What happened?"

Kylo thought again, the air chokingly thick from the silence. "My mother, my father. They were so cruel to me. They forced me to go down a path not made for me." He sniffled, having to pause. "To grow their own reputation. To further the bloodline-." He whispered, suddenly crying out your name ever so quietly. "I wanted to be a pilot." His voice was choked out by his own sob, covering his face with his hands.

To see such a cold man absolutely turn to threads right in front of you caused a spark to ignite in you. It was almost as if a certain instinct had finally struck. "I see." You whispered, cautiously reaching up and running a gentle hand through Kylo's raven hair. You didn't want to force him to dig further into his past. He would tell you in his own time. Right now he just needed you by his side, and that would be enough. 

"Kylo, you're not alone in this." You assured him, continuing to stroke his hair as you sat beside him. "Everyone somehow always ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes it can be life-changing. I mean-- fate, for whatever reason, dropped me on some random planet to be raised by a random man and woman. They left, well.. You know the rest." You tried to make a light-hearted joke, but he didn't seem to smile.

"I want to be free of this pain." He whispered, still looking at you like you were the answer to all of his problems. "I want one person, just one, to not view me so coldly. I want them to know- I want them to see the reason for the uprising of Kylo Ren. The downfall of me was my wretched parents. I'm a monster for a reason." He seethed in a breath, more tears peering from the corners of his eyes. "Do not speak so lowly of me-Please. The way you talked to Hux.. It infuriated me, I felt the flames lapping at the nape of my neck. No insult, no snark, nothing from anyone had ever made me react so sharply. Why?"

You frowned, you didn't have an answer for him. Instead, you laid back down beside Kylo and, with a bit of struggle, pulled him into a hug. "You wish to be understood." You simplified his rant, holding him close.

You finally understood. Kylo didn't want for you to submit to him, or join The First Order. Okay, maybe he did want you to join The First Order, but the reason behind it was to grow closer to him. To become his right-hand woman and be at his side at almost all times. You would know all of him. He wanted nothing more but for someone to understand.

You felt Kylo nod over your shoulder. "I wish to be understood." He confirmed, his arms suddenly returning the hug. He practically squeezed the fire out of you, but that didn't matter right now. All that mattered was that you helped Kylo feel better. "I wish to be understood by you." He added quietly.

"I think I will in time." You assured, reaching up and stroking the parts of Kylo's hair you could reach. "I think we will both learn and grow-- in time."

You felt Kylo nod again, and it felt almost as if you were comforting a little boy from his nightmare. You had never seen this side of Kylo before. You had only seen rare bits of the soft parts of Kylo, but he always repressed them shortly after to show the stone-cold facade he projected for the rest of the world to see. Right now meant the very most to you. It was a vital part of gaining Kylo's trust.

The rest of the time was spent together in silence. Kylo had stopped crying, and you momentarily parted the hug to get up and get Kylo a glass of water from the bathroom. For the first time, Kylo had thanked you for something. You crawled back into bed after he was finished downing almost the entire glass in seconds, which admittedly made you worried if that was the first time he had drank actual water in who-knows-how-long.

You outstretched your arms once more in a gesture of care, managing to put on your kindest smile. After moments of hesitating, Kylo fell into the hug. 

You sat there for what felt like hours waiting for him to be fast asleep. Once he was, you gently kissed his forehead, sending him the warmest thoughts you could possibly conjure up in the dead of the night.

Kylo Ren had opened up to you. He had gone from being the merciless commander of The First Order to a scared little boy all in the span of a couple of hours. All of it had unraveled for the audience of one to witness. Now you were simply determined.

Kylo Ren would heal at the hands of you, and you alone.