saved to live, killed to love

o n e

do you know what it feels like to be robbed? not with your physical belongings, but with your rights? that even though you have your eyes wide open, it was still stolen right in front of you and you can't even do something about it? trust me, it sucks.

I was playing with my food, twirling the fork on my hand with my gaze fixed on my plate; it was deafening, to hear your parents dictate your future and plan what you must do without consulting you. Draining, to have your life tied under their control; like a puppet.

I sighed, placing my fork down and sitting back up.

"I'm done. Thanks for the food." I mumbled softly, not giving them any glance, but as I was supposed to leave the dining area; my dad cleared his throat. I halt on my place.

"You're going to take an entrance exam to this school I am contacting with. I heard they were prioritizing medical professions, you can take medicine there." He stated. Not even a consultation, or a suggestion, but a statement.

"I also talked to your dean, they suggested you to the allied medical schools which are accredited within the city. The papers will come the next day, sign those." My mother added, holding her phone as she type something before leaving the dining area.

"I'm not going to pursue medicine. I told you, I don't see myself in that field." I calmly approached dad, who is focused on his phone. "Dad, please.. hear me out." I fumbled with my fingers, pinching my palm to release the heaviness in my throat. I felt like crying, but knowing my dad, he hated seeing tears in tough situation. He says those were only for the weak.

"I think I heard you enough." He uttered, standing up and towering in front of me. "We've come this far, dealing with connections and requirements. Don't be such a huge disappointment, start acting your age." He handed me his table napkin before leaving with someone on the other line of his phone; leaving me on the dining area, alone with unwanted path to take, with words left unuttered.

I went upstairs and plop myself on the bed; staring at the night sky through the windows. The stars twinkle, waiting for my stories to be heard as the moon beams so bright with hope; or so I was told to believed. I sighed, swallowing hard to stop myself from crying. The huge lump on my throat stings as my chest feels so heavy.

This is my routine every night.
As restless as it sounds, this is even the lightest night out of my whole existence; tolerable if I would rate. Knowing worse things were existing outside these walls.

"(Y/n). What is it that your dad told me?" I jumped out of bed as I saw my mother walked in my room, without a knock, with her raised tone and furrowed eyebrows. "You are not pursuing medicine? What's that fuss about?

"I.. uh.. m-mom, it's just that i don't see myself on the—"

"Bullshit!" She cursed, taking a step closer to me. "You don't see yourself in that field? So you would turn your back on us and then what? Chase your dreams? Are you kidding me? I raised you in this world, so I get to tell you what to do. I say you stop that childish dream of yours, and enter a medical school. Stop being a brat, and start being the daughter we wanted." I can feel her fingers tightening as she cup my cheeks, her long nails digging on my skin.

My heart is beating so fast as I look down, unable to meet her gaze while I try not to whince under her touch. This is not the first time my mother became so aggressive.. so violent.. but everytime she does it, it stays in my memory; and it haunts me, more than it haunts her.