saved to live, killed to love

t w o

I lightly jump off of my seat, making me hit my elbow on the steering wheel as my alarm went off; it's five in the morning. Another day, another battle to face.

I rubbed my eyes and started the engine; I have to be home before my parents find out that I was gone the whole night. As much as they rarely go home, I also barely spent my night under the same roof with them. It feels suffocating; to think of their words, and think of the future they have for me, and be up all night wondering why do they seek and force me to listen when in the first place they don't even hear me out? It's like I am voiceless, yet asked to act to my age and come with my senses.

I badly wanted to scream, that I am at my senses. I am well aware, it is you who were not. It was all you who chose to be blind with your child's state and be deaf with her pleas. I wanted to yell at them, cry and let them know that this was all their fault but every time I chose to eat what is on the table, sleep on the bed they provided, stay under their roof; it made me want to blame myself more, that this suffering is my choice befause I chose to stay. I chose to let them cut my wings off.. that these are the consequences of believing that one day.. they would look at me with admiration and hear them claim me as their child.. not just a product they molded all throughout my existence.

I covered the car with some old mattress, resting some cardboard box on it to make it not much visible along with the old junk stored.

I slowly made my way towards the backdoor, and when I was about to tilt the door knob; it swung open, making me gasp with my eyes wide open as I come face to face with my mother. My heart is beating so fast as I hid the car keys behind me.

"I don't want to hear a single word from you, (y/n)." She muttered, closing the door behind me as she pulled me inside. I whinced in pain as her nails scratch my wrist; pulling me towards the living area where my dad is sitting, sipping some coffee.

"Where have you been?" He uttered, his deep voice echoes as his gaze bore into me.

"I.. I went for a run." I mumbled, looking down on my now bleeding wrist.

He chuckled, standing up and walking his way towards me; I shut my eyes. Waiting for his hand to hit my face, but all I received was a gentle caress on my cheek. "If only I knew you'd grow up like this.. I wouldn't have you as my child." He smiled bitterly before walking past me.

I bit my lower lip, standing still with my clenched fists on my sides as I try to blink the tears away. I felt a huge lump on my throat; I should be used to this, but every word he uttered stings. It still stings.

Even I didn't want to live this kind of life, and even I didn't want to grow up in this environment; Dad, you're not the only one. I also don't want to be born in this world, nor have me.. as myself, because I am who I am now depending on how you raised me.

I nodded, inhaling deeply before walking out of living room to grab my stuff and proceed with my same old shit; i sat and space out during classes, now i am face to face with our dean.

He handed me some papers and an apologetic smile; "Your papers arrived earlier, make sure to sign these papers. Your mother mentioned it to you, doesn't she?"

I nodded and gave it back to him, "I wouldn't sign the papers, Sir. I'm sorry but I.. I don't want to live this way."

I saw him smile, his hand reaches out for mine as his thumb caress the back of my hand; "I know you wouldn't." He nodded, "Now, live your life, child."

Every step I make as I hurried back home made my heart beat faster, not with fear of what will happen next; but with excitement that maybe.. maybe something new will happen in my life. My eyes were watery as I drove away, to anywhere it will take me; I don't care much as to where but one thing is for sure, I wouldn't let this opportunity to go away.

I slowly parked my car on a gasoline station, holding my wallet as I scan the rack of the convenience store for some food supply and necessities until I saw this familiar state on the counter, pack of cigarettes on his hand as he handed few bills on the person behind the counter— I tap his back gently, and took a step back.

"It was you.. the guy who fixed my car." I mumbled, seeing his visuals with proper lighting; I can't help but be in awe. He look so... beautiful, even in this angle.

"You're with the old junk." He uttered, facing me as he opened his pack of cigarettes.

"I didn't get to thank you last night, you sudden—"

"Just say thank you so I can go. They don't let people park in here for an hour." He glanced at his black car, parked beside mine. So he was not that type of bad guy who rides his big motorcycle wearing some leather jackets and all.. He owns a polished car, wearing his white button up polo which must I say, looks incredibly neat and hot with those sleeves folded up unto his elbows. "Cat got your tongue?"

I cleared my throat and tug on his polo as he was about to leave, "T-Thank you." He looked at my hand in which I immediately pull away, "Sorry."

"You ran away, don't you?" His eyes narrowed, making me look down with the things I bought. "So are you going to spend your night in your old junk again?" I looked outside, well, if I need to feed myself for days, a stay at the motel would take most of my savings; probably yes.

I shrugged my shoulders and took a deep breathe, leaving him inside as I went to my car. "This couldn't be that bad.." I mumbled to myself, tapping the hood of my car before I hopped in. Adjusting my seat to give me more space, I dropped my car keys as he suddenly knocked on my window; does he really have a habit of scaring people? I sighed, looking at him.

"What?" I spat at him, he rests his arm on the car and leaned closer; I can't help but bury myself on my chair, lowering to avoid being too close to his face. His breath lingers menthol, and his face... he has a bruise on his cheek. I didn't notice that last night.

"If you want to keep this old junk, you better not stay here all night." With furrowed eyebrows, I looked around the area. "No signage, they just bring your car to the casa."

What the heck. Where am I going to stay now? I can't drive around this town all night, I just got my tank fulled... that would be a waste of gas. Frustrated, I tug on my hair and rests my head on the steering wheel. "Fuck!" I muttered under my breath, panicking as I try not to cry out of frustration.

"Follow me, I know a place." He mumbled before leaving and heading back to his car, I shot my head and looked at him.

"And why would I follow you? You might bring me somewhere then k-kill me. I barely even know you!" All I heard was his chuckle, he rolled down his window and looked at me.

"San. Is that enough to know me?" He started the engine and sighed, "If I wanted to kill you, I would have done that back in that street where nobody can see and witness. Look, if you don't want my help then goodluck. Your junk wouldn't last a night in the casa."

and i bet i wouldn't last a night out in this town.