Guilty Pleasures | Destiel AU

Chapter Nine

Dean's POV

I was glad that Cas had opened up to me. Sure the reality wasn't pretty and a little daunting, but I had promised and certainly planned to pursue the promise that I would not give up on him. I could never leave Cas, he's my one of a kind.

The night that he had confessed his story I continued to comfort him at my house, listening with full intent to him and continuously reminding him that I did not plan on abandoning him and that we would figure this out, regardless of the time and pain it may require.

We had been staying with each other for a few weeks now and I enjoyed every minute of it. Cas told me his greatest desire; to simply be normal. Cas was perfect to me always but if he wasn't happy then I would do the best in my ability to solve that. I urged him that actually attending classes would be a great start to a normal life. I understood that it was hard for him to face the eyes of countless people rushing ahead with their lives, however in order to be 'normal' we had to conquer the source of the problem.

That night we disposed of anything reminding him of his mistakes and forbidden pleasures. I had asked him to give me his gun, convincing him that it was not necessary. With great hesitation he eventually handed it over. I was able to gather that certainly was not an easy task for him.

My greatest confusion lied at what we were classified as. We tended to embrace each other sexually but did that make us boyfriends or just close friends? Each time I attempted to discuss what we were, Cas would slyly change the topic.

-

Castiel's POV

Staying with Dean was slowly killing me. He was so enthusiastic and hopeful that was improving, and I couldn't crush his happiness with the truth. I attempted to remain distant with the fear of falling into old routines. It killed me to see the sadness in his eyes as I was forced to pull away or simply act uninterested in any form of physical affection.

In the end I had come to the bitter conclusion that there was no hope for me and that I was acting selfishly, dragging Dean into the mess I caught myself in. My greatest desire was to pull him close and kiss those perfectly parted lips of his, whilst whispering just how much he meant to me. But that couldn't happen, because if it did there's a slight possibility that Dean may feel the same, or it may trigger new emotions for him and I refuse to hurt him like that when I finally do leave.

I had slept at Dean's house, due to the much longer then planned movie marathon. I had insisted I could crash on the sofa with a blanket, however Dean refused and hadn't asked but commanded that I would sleep upstairs with him on his bed. I was much too sleepy to argue, thus I agreed.

I had woke in the night, unaware of my surroundings. My heart beat fast as I panted in fright. I had only just realized the arm wrapped around my waist. Dean. I sighed in relief. I had not recalled being so close to one another earlier. Cautiously I slowly removed his arm from me and placed it gently down. I climbed out of the bed and stood up making my way downstairs. I twisted on the tap and filled the glass with cold water. In record time I managed to gulp down the entire glass. I scanned the kitchen and living room, thinking of a place Dean may have hidden my gun. No Castiel, Dean said it was unnecessary and therefore you do not need to be looking for it.

I walked back upstairs and entered Dean's bedroom. I stood still in my tracks, admiring the image of Dean sleeping. So peaceful, so innocent. I had not realized the tears falling from my eyes. I had to leave. Dean deserved better. He shouldn't have to tolerate me and my mental issues. I gently caressed the skin below his shut eyes and whispered "Goodbye" I exited the house and entered the chilly night.

-

Dean's POV

I felt a soft tingle on my cheek. It seemed much too realistic for me to be dreaming. I squinted open my eyes, searching for Cas. The bed was empty. I felt hurt that he had left in the night. I got up and searched the house for him. I was unsuccessful, merely finding a used glass.

I stretched my arms and grabbed my car keys. As I started the engine, I thought of the places Cas may have gone. I couldn't figure out a precise destination, so I drove to his house as a first stop.

Just as I was about to ring his doorbell, I noticed the handwritten note attached to the wooden door.
I peeled the note off and unfolded the note addressed with 'Dean'

'Dean,
You have been so kind to me and I have indulged in every minute of your sweetness. I do not deserve you Dean. You truly are the best for believing in me once hearing about my sins. However you must understand, I am not changing nor getting better. Every time that I shut my eyes, I see visions of myself taking your eyes and squeezing them within my palm until they are crushed. I enjoy this. You are unlike my other victims, the pleasure is far too profound. As much as I tell myself no, I'm aware that one day it is my density to fail you. This relationship is hard for the both of us. For myself, I cannot help falling in love with you from every little thing that you do and as my feelings grow, I am weaker in controlling the urge for you. For you, your life is continuously under the possible threat of death, and I fear that the feelings between us have begun to appear mutual. This will only crush the both of us more. So I am left with no choice but to run away. I accepted a job offer in Paris. If you think of chasing after me, just think of myself brutally slaughtering you. I know it's not a pleasant thought, but it stops me from running back into your arms. I will always remember you Dean Winchester, although you should forget me. I love you.
- Castiel.'

I couldn't believe it. Cas was gone. I dropped the piece of paper, as it was carried away by the gush of wind. He loves me? I was unable to suppress the salty tears clouding my eyesight.

He was right. I was foolish for associating myself with a killer for so long. I needed to let him go. In the end, I did not want to end up chopped into pieces in some dark alley. It was time to forget Castiel Novak.